My 3 year old doesn't want to learn her abc's

Posted by MayC (188 days ago)

My little girl is 3 years and 3 months. She started K1 last September.

We've just received a letter from her school saying that she will be having her assessments in the middle of this month where she will be tested on her abcs, her numbers and her Chinese characters (she's in the local stream).

I've always been easygoing when it comes to her schooling. I've thought nothing of it, apart from it being a place where she can interact and play with other kids. Now I've been told that she'll be assessed.

I've tried teaching her the abcs but she is just not interested. She looks bored when I go through her abcs with her and she often looks away (eg. she'll change the topic or she'll say, "Enough mummy. I want chocolates now".

The majority of her friends know their alphabets and numbers. Even her 2.5 year old cousin can read number plates. I'm so worried that she's behind in her learning. I said I wouldn't pressure her the way others parents pressure their kids but it's really hard to ignore it when others around her know their alphabets. She can sing it, just can't identify them (except for a-f, with a bit of bribery on my part).

Should I just ignore and let her learn at her own pace? Eg. when she's interested (ignoring the school's assessments) or should I force her into learning (like what I've been trying to do in the past one week - the latter of course stresses both of us out)?

She's got no problems with her Chinese - she remembers ALL the characters (she's even better than mummy) - but she refuses to learn numbers and alphabets.

It doesn't help too that hubby is saying, "Oh, our daughter is very sociable, no doubt about that, but she won't be smart academically". Those that can master these skills at an early age - do they end up smarter than those who can't? It doesn't help too that she's being compared to her cousin in my husband's Chinese family.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Saikunga (188 days ago)

you need to make the whole thing a game rather than learning and it should be a part of living.

Get some magnetic alphabet and numbers and put them on the fridge and just her play with them - you place her name on the fridge and let her copy - but it has to be play and not you directing the play.

Put the names of all the things in your home on the items with blue tack - ie table, chair, floor, etc...she will pick them up if it is part of her everyday life - not just a learning chore - I would prefer chocolate as well!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (188 days ago)

first off... tell your hubby that if she continues to hear him say she isn't smart, then she'll have nothing to live up to. that's not even allowing for her to grow! how demoralising to hear your own father say that he thinks you're stupid!

and on your part... RELAX! just because she doesn't know all her abc's by now DOES NOT mean she is stupid! your getting stressed out about it is NOT going to help her learn! (trust me, i've been tutoring for 13 years and it's the parents that cause burnout in their 6 year olds!)

she's in KINDERGARTEN for heaven's sake! it's not like this assessment is going to affect her chances to get into Harvard! having taught in kindies around HK, i know that the parents get stressed out. i had one mother complain to me because she'd kept her son awake until 2am trying to teach him the difference between "b" and "d". it did her no good and it certainly didn't help her son. he just wanted to sleep the whole day!

if your daughter was 8 years old and still didn't know the abc's then i might suggest you find someone to help her. but for now... RELAX! and continue to praise her when she does know them. (take her out for a walk and see if you can find any letters that she might know. ie. M at McDonald's 7 & 11 at 7-11, numbers on buses etc)

GOOD LUCK!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by axptguy38 (188 days ago)

Agree with Saikunga and his/her excellent suggestions.

Kids WANT to learn and have an almost uncanny ability to do so. It's in their genes. But their minds work in very quirky ways compared to an adult. If we as adults try to steer their learning too much into what we see as learning (structure etc) they often just rebel.

It's hard as a parent to understand that a young child will learn faster if they just go at their own pace and in their own seemingly whacky order. Just make sure they have an environment that is conducive to learning. Also remember to set a good example. For example if you read all the time your child will pretty soon also want to hold a book, then understand the book.


"It doesn't help too that hubby is saying, "Oh, our daughter is very sociable, no doubt about that, but she won't be smart academically"."

That sort of comment is not very helpful. I get mad just reading about it. Make sure he never ever says such a thing where your daughter can hear it. Hearing that they're too dumb to learn is a surefire way to make it happen.

Seriously if I said something like that in front of my daughter my wife would give a serious and well deserved dressing down.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MayC (187 days ago)

Saikunga, thank you. Your idea of turning it into a game worked. I started writing one alphabet on an A4 paper, then stuck them to the ground. From the letters a-m. I opened a packet of chips (I was desperate but will use stickers next time) and gave her a bowl. I said to her that for each letter she gets "right", she can have a potato crisp to put inside her bowl. Then I said, "To get a crisp, go to the letter 'i' etc" and she did. Each time she got it wrong, I wouldn't give it to her and I'd say, "Try again and I'll give it to you". It worked like a charm. I think she knows them now. I don't know if she knows them if we hold up one alphabet and asks her to name it... but if you say which one is "j" for example, she can point to it. I'm happy with her progress for now so I'll try not to push it. Thank you all so much.

I still have upper case letters and numbers to go!

Cara, you're right, it's only kindergarten. I'm trying to tell myself that everyday too... but it gets harder when other kids her age know them all. I know the dangers of comparing and I'm trying not to but it is VERY hard. It was easy in theory, I said I wouldn't pressure my kids before I had mine... but then to ignore society's pressure is proving very difficult. I will try, however, I've read enough to know how damaging it is for a kid to have a parent with high expectations.

I think the next time my husband or anyone from his family says anything negative about my daughter again, I will put them in the right place. His mother even had the nerve to say to me, "I'm worried about her learning. She seems to be going backwards in her learning" just because her other grandson can read car number plates at the age of 2.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (187 days ago)

MayC, my boy isn't in kindie yet... he's almost 3. you should see the looks on people's (locals) faces when they find out that he doesn't go to school!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by axptguy38 (187 days ago)

"MayC, my boy isn't in kindie yet... he's almost 3. you should see the looks on people's (locals) faces when they find out that he doesn't go to school!"

Lol. You clearly aren't fulfilling your parental duties. Kidding. In Sweden kids start school at 7 and pre-school is mostly play until 4 or 5. They still turn out all right. Trying to over-engineer your kids is a modern disease...


Don't worry too much. Kids know what they're doing. It's clueless relatives and parents that tend to screw them up. No pressure. ;)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (187 days ago)

i've been teaching baby/toddler playgroups for a few years now, in combination with teaching privately.

the kids are great....the parents.....it's really the parents that need the education in many instances.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by axptguy38 (187 days ago)

"the kids are great....the parents.....it's really the parents that need the education in many instances."

So true. Kids can make mistakes but it takes a parent to really screw up by the numbers.

A fun example. When my wife taught swimming to really small kids the first thing she did at the start of the lesson was tell the parents to get lost and come back at the end. :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (186 days ago)

Students who do well at school are those for whom school is an extension of the home. That is, there is a learning culture in the home: children are familiar with books, have experience explaining, describing, labeling and other verbal cognitive and emotionally empathising tasks.

Students who do not experience support in learning at home, but who grow up unguided and uncritical, often - but not always - experience the world through their own needs. This can create a self-centred, consumerist view of the world. Consider the child's brain as both hardware and softwear. The hardware has to be maintained through adequate sleep and nutrition, and reduced anxiety etc.

The software can be ramped up through different learning experiences. IQ can be increased (and has been shown to have overall increased in the last century) through the attentive learning of new skills, performance of higher order tasks, and critical awareness.

Yet, motivation is the key to learning, and as others including axptguy and saikunga have said, learning ought to be fun. Teaching your child how to remember things using her own creative resources and mnemonics is the best way as it makes the child an active learner. Keeping a scrapbook diary of each day's activities would also help. Using the child's friends' names is also an excellent way to help a child learn the alphabet, and is usually the first activity a kindergarten uses for this purpose.

Raising a child in the modern world is as you rightly say, very different from raising one in the past. It is a competitive society, and families are extremely competitive which is sad. Try to resist being affected by the pressure that other family members put on you, but do keep aware that you need to be an on-going active partner with your child in her learning. I would try to get away from rewarding with sweets and other treats, as this 'feeds' into the consumer motivation. Try to motivate through kindness and empathy as well. i.e. "Let's write a birthday card to Aunt Jenny in the UK"... Then ask her how it felt to make another person happy, or feel important. Doing things to increase self-esteem and respect for others is important.

Good luck. You clearly have a smart, but bored child. Present this as a challenge to your husband too. He also is responsible for creating a stimulating environment in your home.

(I am based in Hong Kong)