Depressing...

Posted by sodere (437 days ago)

I do not know whether this topic has been done to death of this forum. Honestly, I did not run the search function because no two cases can be exactly the same.

My husband and I have been married for over 2 years now. We had an LDR (not physical as we both chose to keep it that way) for 2 years before we got married. We were both married earlier - me (very briefly) and he, longer (5 years). Anyway, after marriage, I discovered that my spouse had little interest in sex. Since we were both in our 30s, I did not expect us to be behaving like a pair of teenagers who had just discovered sex but at the same time, I did not think we were too old to be having sex at least 3 or 4 times a week, if not everyday. A few days into the marriage, he told me that he did not miss sex anymore - not having had sex/been in a physical relationship eversince he broke up with his ex. I remember feeling shocked, angry and shortchanged (in that order) because if I had any inkling of this, I would never have gotten married to him. Anyway, I tried to put it behind me but during the months that followed, there was little affection in/out of bed. Frequency of sex was like once a month (what I missed was not the sex per se, but the togetherness that comes with being in an intimate relationship). He would come back from work, have dinner and watch TV till late in the night (by which time I would be asleep). In addition to the issue of sex, there were a few other things which troubled me like his tendency to snap at me when I least expected it and also snaps of his ex which I discovered locked away in his desk drawer (to which only he had the key). And here I was, wanting to be a perfect wife to my husband (even gave up my career and a well-paying job to be with him).

After suffering in silence for over one year, I decided to talk it out with him - well, the sex has become more frequent now, but I seem to have dulled libido simply because I do not feel the intense love I had for him in the beginning and also because in some remote corner of my mind, I feel that he is doing it only because I protested about us living like flatmates. I do go through the motions of sex but at times I feel I would rather be sleeping.

I have lost my self-esteem. Can't help wondering why he was like that with me - is it just that he is not physically attracted to me? He is definitely better than average in terms of looks while I am just about average (added to which is the fact that although everybody thinks I am slim, he does not. He prefers the stick-thin types) OR is it that he is still not over his ex? I refuse to buy that argument of his regarding abstinence having an effect on his libido.

Not looking for some flippant remarks but serious inputs.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (437 days ago)

The spark is definately gone for sure, could be stress at work etc that could be part of the problem itself from his side. He may not be over his ex if he's still keeping photo's locked away, How different are you to his ex for example?

Thought about trying to get away for say a spa weekend or for you to get yourself a makeover to help with your low self esteem.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tia (437 days ago)

Is he depressed, clinically? My husband is and when he is on his medication, his sex drive is pretty much non-existent....which sucks because we are LDR and when I go to see him, well, I have expectations and needs. He is aware of this and we're working with his meds to make it better.

It sounds like there is something he is not dealing with, something that is making him want to just exist and not really live his life. Work, come home, TV, eat, bed is (in my opinion) not much of a life.

I know what you mean about missing the intimacy of sex. You miss the holding, the touching, all the other good stuff as well as the sex. I had to point this out to my hubby as well. Even if his meds are making him feel less than amorous, we still cuddle, kiss, touch - basically make out like teenagers....well, older teenagers.

Talk to him and see if he is willing to go see a doctor, to talk to someone about the fact that he might be suffering mild depression. It's a hard subject to bring up, but you are doing it out of love and concern for your future together as husband and wife.

Best of luck. *hugs*

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by JFK888 (437 days ago)

If you make sure he has less interest in sex. As per my experience it is very difficult to change anything. My gf is in the same case, she can tell and share with me what happen, it doesn't involve 3rd party. Just she doesn't love it. As I don't want to make it as obligation. I'd let the way go like that more than 3 years.

So it is very important if both of you would share and compromise!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (437 days ago)

Question: (to JFK888) Why would you stay with your girlfriend 3 years when one very basic thing you want, she doesnt...and will NEVER want...I dont call that a compromise, thats called accepting a death sentence on your libido. I mean, you are talking about stayin even though there is no marriage, no kids, do you own pets or property together? Or are you two not together anymore? I mean, why would anyone who LIKES sex...want to stick around for the long haul with someone that HATES it. I mean...a bit of inbetween makes sense...or like...more foreplay or something...hmmm...I dunno, thats just...woah!

My advice to the poster (sodere)...did you discuss this "great divide" before you married? I mean, who was the original suggestor on the "no sex before marriage" thing that went on between the two of you (who have already had sex before and already been married before as well)....I am curious why it wasnt considered a little bit "out of the ordinary" and now that you are married...the options are either: (a) you have come to a rather rude awakening and realize that the puzzle pieces dont match and probably never will (b) the person you thought was wonderful and who made you want to be a wonderful wife to...is now the person who makes you feel insecure, unattractive and like you need to walk on eggshells (c) you're kinda up that creek without a paddle, or so you feel, for having moved AND quit a good paying job.

SO...

What do you reckon you can do to change the way you feel...your optimism for the future...your sense of "security"?

Think it through..."suffering in silence" for a year...or for any amount of time, is not a good thing or an enviable thing. Women and men are hardwired differently...he may have started having more sex with you because he realised that it was what you wanted but that he wasnt that averse to it either...maybe he's just got a low testosterone level issue. But I am sure if he hated it, he wouldnt do it. But the seeds of doubt/insecurity have been sown and even though he displays more desire than before, your mind is ticking away about how it must be a chore for him, you then go on to say things like he's better looking than you and some other things about you not being a stick figure.

Hon...dont let his lack of libido get you down. I was with someone who was very similar to your husband...turned out to be a closet fruitbat...so you never really know. The thing is that I ended up feeling really miserable because of someone elses issues, so take it from someone who's been there, dont! Either get help through counsellors, the church or the courts...stick with it and make it work (although it is my opinion that sex is a very intrinsic part of a good relationship, along with verbal communication and really cannot simply be "done away" with) or get a job and then a divorce lawyer to help you hightail it out of that frigid bedroom.

All the best.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by JFK888 (437 days ago)

Sorry for any confusion. We have sex but not very often, say once per month. I think it is totally different from no sex life!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (437 days ago)

No, its like the sex life of a dead marriage or something...so I guess its not "NO" sex. I hear ya! :o)

Still...woah!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (437 days ago)

According to you, JCPD, a relationship/marriage survives only on good sex??

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by the_poor_man (437 days ago)

Just another reason -- actually the MAIN reason why NSBM (no sex before marriage) is a very, very stupid choice to make.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by the_poor_man (437 days ago)

zonked, I don't think a relationship can possibly survive with very little to no sex if one of the parties has a normal, healthy libido. Unless the parties reach an "arrangement" or allow sex outside of the marriage.

Maybe the OP should ask her husband, in a serious and respectful way, if she should find a lover, and if he would accept that.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (437 days ago)

zonked - according to JCPD, a relationship/marriage survives on good verbal communication, empathy AND sex (it doesnt always have to be earth shattering, but it IS important to have the physical communication in a relationship)...I am not some sex fiend, nor an idiot...Every relationship/marriage has its dry spells, but like going to work, its important to get the sex in even if its like building a habit...coz well...it helps make someone feel needed/wanted...too many folks get complacent about the physical aspect.

But hey, my word is not gospel...its just my opinion and can be either taken on or discarded, it wouldnt change my life either way.

The issue at hand though is that sodere...to her, the sex IS an important thing for her marriage to be a good one. Hence my advice...and the other guy too, even though he's in a relationship for 3 years, sure does seem to miss it or he wouldnt mention it...just sayin...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (437 days ago)

Agreed, JCPD. Calm down.

I'm myself a believer in good sex being imp in a r'ship. If you remember in one of the threads actually you were taking the opposite side saying that there are different phases....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sodere (437 days ago)

My husband is not a closet gay. Nor is he clinically depressed. That much I know, for sure. He has some work pressure but not to the extent where it gets control of his personal life.

Why did we take the 'No sex before marriage" stand? For those of you who are asking... Well, let's say culture, tradition, religion and personal experience dictate the way we think about sex/marriage. Having said that, I ought to add that despite what happened (did not happen, would be more appropriate) after marriage, I still do not regret not having had a 'dress rehearsal'.

JCPD, I agree with you 100 percent - sex does make one feel loved and wanted and it does make a marriage stronger [Before someone pounces on me, yes, there are exceptions to every rule and so you may have a great marriage with little action in the bedroom or a bad marriage with great sex]. I was never under any illusion about my looks (which are mediocre, at best - was always known more for my brains and good dress sense than actual good looks). My husband, on the other hand, is quite good looking. This assessment is very objective and not as a result of my low self-esteem pursuant to being in a not-so-perfect relationship. But yes, I have begun wondering whether I am that unattractive for him to feel asexual? Or is it some deeper problem, like him comparing me with his ex (who, he thinks is pretty?) And now that the sex life has revved up, I find myself wondering whether he is simply doing me a favour or whether he is fantasising about someone else while making love to me.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aulelei (436 days ago)

Hey sodere, its sad to hear you talk as if you are the problem for the lack of intimacy between your husband and yourself. It sounds like it is your husband who has the problem, not you but it is beginning to tax on your self esteem. There was a post some time back where a girl asked why her bf wasnt interested in sex, and a comment (from a male) stated that her bf wasnt normal as most guys want to jump and hump the girls they had fallen for.. all the time! I am not sure why your husband is acting the way he is, but you need to ask him. Dont assume that its your looks, cos i too consider myself pretty average looking and my bf much cuter, but he disagrees. Anyways, I would advise you to talk to your husband... let him know how its hurting you and your marriage and be honest. He may not realize how deeply it is affecting you, but only you can tell him. Good luck with this.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (436 days ago)

>zonked - no offense taken... :o) but if you remember me talking about sex in relation to that...it wasnt solely sex i was talking about, it was about love going from "eros" to "philos" to "agape". I dont think sodere is going through a brotherly love phase, I think she's going through a "not getting any nookie AND being snapped at" phase.

And sodere, banish the negative thinking, chica! You are not unattractive and not necessarily objective. The sum total of what has happened so far that has prompted you to reach out on here in the first place....THAT is whats messed with your objectivity. You husband isnt asexual...he's obviously revved up for more sex...but somehow even that is now looked at with sceptical eyes and a veiled accusation that he may be fantasising about someone else when shagging you....c'mon, I mean, what makes this thought hold any water? Are his eyes glazed over as he concentrates on a distant image? Is he yelling out the ex's name? I dunno...I would say it could help for you to enjoy/participate a bit more without assuming motivation...and like relearning how to ride a bicycle, your sex life could kick off!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by marieantoinette (436 days ago)

interesting! Is bad sex better than no sex? some people on other threads might think so! How about sex that's regular and over in 60 seconds? Also have low self-esteem over the issue, but trying to develop a sense of humour about it. After 40, does sex go full circle, so that you end up having wham-bam teenage sex with out the pimples and car seat burns? If your partners eyes DO roll in the back of his head like a great white going in for the kill JC, should I be worried? Personally, in my case, I think I could actually be absent from the proceedings, with little change to the outcome! My partner's obviously having British-builder-sex, you know, 60 seconds work with a 7 hour break period afterwards........No point in complaining though, I have a few courses of action:
1) Buy him a years subscription to Cosmo
2) Have an AA route map tattooed over my body to show him the start and end points (and how to take the scenic route, not the fastest motorway) or
3) Become an avid DIY enthusiast.

Apparently it's because i turn him on too much, but if that's the case, Pamela Anderson won't be getting any at all.........................

Oh, one other thing, since when did "Get your kit off.." qualify as foreplay?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (436 days ago)

LOL!

"Get your kit off..." is total builder lingo, you are right...in your case, doh, I would suggest you become a champion DIY enthusiast only if options 1 and 2 fail.

Thing is...Cosmo is a horrible magazine (and I know I will get crucified for saying that, but hey). Beauty mags and self help books are total scary pop-psychology-brain washing tools. They make people feel they are constantly missing out on something. Eh....Him reading Cosmo will only work if they have stuff with cars, tools, guns or naked women in it.

The AA map sounds like a plan, but best not get a permanent tattoo as you might one day get the chance to upgrade to a newer driver and maybe he wont need air traffic controller-like instructions shouted or mapped for him! ;o)

The "you're too hot" thing...I hear you. It worked when in highschool, but I guess a big batch of adults never quite get past the "gone in 60 seconds" phase. Damn, I dont know what to suggest there other than, "You drive...and just make sure you get there in 60 seconds flat!"

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by daTenshi (436 days ago)

And then there are those who just try too hard... AA map, Cosmo, Karmabloodysutra...

If it is right than it is effortless and indeed wonderful... would anyone want any less?...

Not a fan of flaws n all...

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (436 days ago)

Well...no body is perfect, so we all gotto cut our suits according to our cloth...or whatever that phrase is hahaha. But yes, some can try too hard, but can you blame them? Life is rarely effortless...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by daTenshi (436 days ago)

Body is flesh... living and breathing... and yup the flaws doth endear... the mind however and thus life can be managed and made to be all you do desire... tis only a matter of choice... wanna feel good or bad?.... after all life must be good.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (436 days ago)

Lord, that was a freudian slip, I meant "nobody" not "no body"...haha

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by daTenshi (436 days ago)

No worries I am after all a hyper-sensitive neurotic blonde well aware of her condition...

F Freud anyway... he was after all a prostitute to his life.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by marieantoinette (436 days ago)

I myself, gave up reading Cosmo when I was still trying to find my 'G' spot and then found out there was an 'H', 'I' and 'J' spot too! Doh, I should've stopped and asked for directions..........

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by daTenshi (436 days ago)

... and tis most nice to mentor a man on what to do... they can be quite adept students after all...

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by marieantoinette (436 days ago)

But they won't stop and ask for directions either!

(I am based in Hong Kong)