confused

Posted by mojo1221 (442 days ago)

I posted a dilema before about my bf who abuses me sexually and verbally..I am totally lost in whats going on..at this moment I am feeling like a big tidal wave is engulfing me all the time..I love him to pieces but I don't know what to do. He has hinted and proposed marriage to me three times when we were drinking, but nothing about this issue comes up when we're sober..and when he's totally drunk, we fight..I'm going deeper and deeper into this relationship. When he's his gentle self, he tells me that he is not a good man and he's sorry, and he suggests that it better for me to leave...but when I start thinking this way and tells him that maybe it is better to end our relationship, he holds me back..saying he will never find someone like me. He's never cheated on me and he doesnt lie to me, and this honesty is a common ground for both of us..i really dont know what to do. I have given up a lot of job offers because it will require me to move away from him, and once when I stood my ground with a job, he followed me there, and I have to resign from that contract...I am not a desperate person, but I am confused and hurt at seeing how our relationship is turning this way..is marriage a solution to this?

(I am based in Macau)

Posted by kopfan888 (442 days ago)

he's using emotional blackmail to get you to stay with him, The oh I can't cope without you, please don't leave me etc etc.

this is no basis to get married, He's holding you back get rid of him now and start dating somebody that truely deserves you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ChrisHB (442 days ago)

If in doubt, marriage is never the solution.

There are things here that suggest that your bf is both a bit obsessive about you and the relationship and at the same time conflicted about it. At times he may not really want you as much as he lets on but he also hates the idea of losing you.

Obsessive behavior is really not a good thing in a relationship and it will lead either to a very restricted life for you or to a growing distance between the two of you over time.

I think I have to agree with kopfan and suggest that you consider seeking a healthier relationship.

If you really love him and think you should still give him a chance, I suggest you lay down some conditions. Counseling would not be a bad idea and it certainly sounds like your man should stay away from alcohol if he really cares about you. If he isn't willing to try either of these things I would say; leave before things get ugly.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by the_poor_man (442 days ago)

Please go to the following link. This guy is (probably subconsciously) using psychological warfare to control and manipulate you:

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/whatisanarcissist.msnw

It's important that you move on and let him go. I know it's difficult. I know you love him and would want to help him if he really has a psychological disorder like NPD. Unfortunately, people with NPD don't want any help, and no help can be thrust opon them. You'll find that if you stick up for yourself or try to help him, things will only get worse -- much worse.

A lot of suicide victims are victims of being in love with someone who has NPD. I know. I was almost one of them.

You'll find that once you move on, you will miss them terribly, while at the same time you'll wonder why the hell you were ever with them. It's an irony that is sadly too familiar, and definitely painful.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (442 days ago)

The man abuses you! How many times are you going to keep letting him before you finally learn that will NOT change. All the remorse in the world isnt going to change that. Most victims of domestic violence dont leave their partners even after having broken bones. Seek help if you need some qualified advice on how you can go about making the decision to leave...talk to counsellors and maybe they will help you better to see that what you think is love...is about abuse and control...most abusers feel all sad and beg someone not to leave...promise change blah blah blah...empty promises. How many times has he promised he'd change and that he's sorry? And how many times has he gone on to do just the same again? If it was someone else, wouldnt you say that person is a LIAR? To beat a WOMAN too??? Wouldnt you say that Man, is NOT a Man, but a coward and a fiend?

PLEASE...ask someone professional who deals with domestic violence/sexual abuse. And for your own sake, PLEASE do NOT consider marrying this idiot. It wont change a thing. Heaven forbid, it could only keep him beating you more...dont make excuses for him. I dont beat my partner when I am drunk...and I dont get beaten either...that simply is NOT a done thing. Its NOT right.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (442 days ago)

Look at it this way, would you think it was right for your father to beat your mother everytime he was drunk? Would you think its the right thing for your mother to stay with him even after many broken promises of "it wont happen again"?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Claire (442 days ago)

"I am not a desperate person..."
Yes you are. You were a victim of domestic abuse. I say "were" because you are now a volunteer. If you stay with someone who abuses you, you are agreeing to the continuation of the abuse. Marriage will NOT change the situation. A piece of paper - be it a marriage certificate or restraining order - will NOT be any protection against abuse.

You can either consider your own safety or just become a "punching bag". Time to make a choice and re-establish your own sense of worth.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by the_poor_man (442 days ago)

Claire, even if she chooses to accept the abuse, she is still a victim. You cannot underestimate the psychological effect of abuse and the control and abuser can have on people. Don't blame the victim for not getting out (and by calling her a volunteer you're blaming her) because the insanity of the abused can only be matched by the insanity of the abuser. Sometimes to the abused it does not seem like it is a choice they are able to make.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ahacha (442 days ago)

I'm sorry but really, in both your threads, you give such a listing of things that are going on that it sounds caricatural.

I know I'll sound extremely harsh and not much empathic, but I have trouble believing any of your threads, given the way you put things.

I mean the answers are already in your text, I wonder what you really expect people to say when they read you apart from: "come on, you sound like you know exactly what you're doing by writing this!"

Ok, that may be enough to be banned, sorry Ed, not my intention to be banned, but I just can't help doubting the whole thing...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Claire (441 days ago)

tpm> Wrong, I come across abused women in my work. I see what they go through and see the constrants of HK societal and cultural expectations. I see the bargaining and excuses... "He only hits me but I'll leave if he hits the kids." "He started to hit the kids but he only does it when he's drunk." "We have nowhere to go." "We have no money". Etc. Etc.

Staying with the abuser is a choice, as is leaving. Yes I know that getting away from abuse is a long process but it sometimes needs tough talking to help the person to start to think about that process. What should I have said? If he loves you he will stop. If you marry him he will stop. You just haven't loved him enough. Don't do anything to make him angry. Love conquers everything. Etc. Etc.

Personally I would not say such things to a "victim" and then tell them to stick it out. Although I have actually heard other people say those things. She is the only person to can make the decision to save herself which she will make in her own time - or not. And to do that she needs to stop thinking of herself as a victim and to get on the road to being a survivor.

The victim-volunteer concept is not mine. It comes from someone who works in the field - who has saved lives - and although it may upset some people, it is the reality of the situation.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by stevo2 (441 days ago)

"Move On" Desperate,sure sounds like it.Alcohol seems to be in the abuse picture every time.Tell him to join "A.A" and both of you get some counselling.Or move on.Plenty of fish as the saying goes.Don't mean to be harsh but this is an Adult conversation is it not.Don't be co-dependent

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by setanta (441 days ago)

I think you should stay with him and be more tolerant of his idiosyncrsies.
If you marry him things will improve. You might consider taking anti-depressants too so that your mood doesn't bring him down.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (441 days ago)

I mean why dont you suggest her to become a Scientologist as well...vitamins would work even better than anti-depressants. Yes, take a good strong one-a-day vitamin/mineral supplement to counteract the drunken beating and yes, marry this drunken abuser too...vitamins should do the trick. Afterall its somehow her "mood" that is bringing him "down" and "making him" beat her...it has NOTHING to do with the fact he is an abusive drunk...no not at all. Pshaaaa.

If you are trying to be sarcastic setanta I would have to say that that too is a dumb as a bag o rocks idea because our poster needs good advice not ridicule....and no, your suggestion isnt funny or pertinent to someone who is posting saying she is "CONFUSED".

end 2 cents

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Claire (441 days ago)

Justin> if anyone should be banned, it is the person you are referring to - not you - for giving such deplorable "advice".

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by @@ (441 days ago)

Dear Mojo,

You really need to find the strength to leave this man.

I know (from some experience) how you can become trapped in a relationship and not feel worthy of a better life/partner.

Let me say you most certainly do deserve better!

It can take the strength of 10 men to get out of an abusive relationship, that's why you need to call on your family and friends and let them know what is happening to you. They will be able to give you the help you need, not just getting out but also learning to live a positive lifestyle.

Good Luck, I wish you the best.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Daddy Long Legs (441 days ago)

"What do you tell a woman who has a black eye?"










"Nothing you have already told her once"

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by stevo2 (441 days ago)

Obviously sarcasm from setanta.But i didn't see any mention of physical abuse on this post/plea,i know verbal abuse can be just as bad.But we are hearing one side is cofused prefect or what part does she play in this scenario.Again alcohol can blur the senses and cause a little bit of bias. My 2 fen

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by @@ (441 days ago)

There is mention of sexual and verbal abuse in the first line of the post.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (441 days ago)

On this post: “who abuses me sexually and verbally”

On her other post: “my boyfriend of two years verbally and physically abuses me especially when he's drunk. When I first met him, I thought he was all I really ever wanted. We have been together for two years. But everytime I try to leave, he turns to sweet automatically..I couldnt leave him then, because I start feelibng guilty. I used to have a life, now it's only HIM.... please help...” (refer to http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/forums/relationships/threads/99661.asp )

She’s physically, sexually and verbally abused and essentially needs sound advice that might help her pick up the courage to make the decision that can save her bacon.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ahacha (441 days ago)

And never returns to her threads...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by the_poor_man (441 days ago)

Claire> Did you read what my advice was? I said she should leave him. I'm saying she's a victim, but she should leave him. You're placing the blame on her for not leaving.

"Hard love" does not work with people in this circumstance. I know. I WAS one. Not "worked with" them. I was the abused.

I needed someone to tell me "Poor Man, I really feel sorry for you and you deserve better. You're a good person and you can do better. But you have to leave her."

With such advice it would have been much easier for me to leave than if someone says to me "Why do you let her do that to you, you loser?" which would make me feel even more strongly that I would be helpless without her.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by car_lover (441 days ago)

If he loves you, he won't abuse u. Based on what u said, he dun love u at all. :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mojo1221 (435 days ago)

i love you all for being good to me..i can't leave.i have nowhere to go at the moment..i have no job..my career,what career..sad truth..i dont want to go home..

(I am based in Macau)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (435 days ago)

Well, you are not trapped unless you want to be. You say you have given up a lot of job offers...well, start looking for a job then, and then look into getting out. It seems daft that your reason for staying with him is because you dont have a job (which I am sure you can quite capably get in the future) and that you dont want to go home (who said you had to go home?) Take it one step at a time.

You are responsible for your own happiness, you owe it to yourself not to be so lax with your safety and future...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (part deux) (435 days ago)

Take it from one who has spent the best part of the last decade living in hotels occasionally running from one dysfunctional relationship and usually shortly after into the arms of another… it is really not that difficult to start again and sweetie you owe it to yourself and in a way to help him… get out of there asap…

No job is just another excuse on that river… Just pack a bag, check in, drown your sorrows and move on and up…

Good luck

(I am based in Tokyo)