Trick of a life.....time

Posted by abra_cadabra (761 days ago)

My gf is suffering from breast cancer and she's having a chemotherapy right now. She also underwent a surgery last year and in a few weeks time, she needs to go at it again.

Her motivation, career, physical health drops and she always in anger. I understand what she's been through and sometimes she will vent her anger to me especially after the chemotherapy.

It's fine with me but the reason why I'm here now is that I want to ask more opinion how to deal and motivate her to live.

I am here in Hong Kong and she's in LA.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flloyd (761 days ago)

Man oh man --- I suspect she's been forced to face up to her mortality and the present situation with a ldr no longer suits her. Its fine for someone while theyve got time but .... I think u should do something drastic ... quit your job and take her to tahiti or soemthing, or at least offer to do so

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by someonerun`` (761 days ago)

I think u need to be with her.

God bless u.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by mayechka (761 days ago)

i must say you are a good man,
and is her cancer fatal ?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by abra_cadabra (760 days ago)

Flloyd > it's not easy knowing every day that you have your time to live. Seeing your health drastically declining and losing yourself to CANCER.

I, myself hate this. I love this girl so much and the only thing I can do now is to motivate her.

Someonerun > I would love to be with her but she prefer not for the reason that she dont want me to see her in this situation.


Mayechka > Yes her cancer is fatal and I'm hoping that her Chemotheraphy will kill all the cancer cells. She needs to undergo to operation again as the cancer is spreading rapidly on the other side.

I'm hoping for her recovery.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dear chrissie (760 days ago)

Abra: It's gonna be a long struggle and please bear wz her, because you can't expect her to be sane and think straight all the time.
There's a possibility that she'll be loosing it and saying idiot things, which she never would have meant or proposing you for a break up due to her low self-esteem.
Best of luck to you guys!

N.B. Vacation would do you guys well, but I would suggest not to go for beach and sun or places where beachwear would be required, or too hot places

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Nemesis (760 days ago)

I am so sorry to hear about your girlfriend. She is angry, which is understandable. And it's not unlikely that she is depressed as well. Doctors will prescribe anti-depressants in these cases. See to it that she gets them if she needs them.
Travelling is probably the last thing she will want to do. Chemo just drains you. Besides it's not risk-free to travel. If something happens, you must have adequate medical assistance on hand. You must bear in mind that the immune system is quite affected when you have had chemo or radiation. So generally speaking she will lack the energy to travel.
In these situations we all react in our own way, so there is no common approach, let alone good advice on how to make her want to live and not give up the fight. One thing is for sure though, your being there for her is of utmost importance, even if she says she doesn't want to see you. It is also important you feel that you have done everything you can for her, also for your own sanity. I would suggest you contact a cancer support group as well. The sense of being powerless can be overwhelming and detrimental to your own strength to support her. You will need to vent too from time to time. I can also recommend you to read or find out all you can about the type of cancer she has as it can help you too to understand what she is going through and what the prognosis is. If I were you I would also seriously consider a time out from work, just to be there with her and for her. I am not talking about sitting there and sharing her rage, yes you do need that from time to time, but the only way to go through this thing is try to enjoy the time you have together as much as you can. If you take it one day at a time, you will be able to enjoy every day more intensely.

I wish you her and you all the strength and courage.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by abra_cadabra (760 days ago)

Dear Chrissie > Everyday is a struggle and I'm really trying to lift her spirits up. I never talked to her and make her feel that she is sick.

It's not easy to pretend thinking that maybe oneday she will not survive this ordeal. I can only show my weaknesses here.

I know somehow, God has a beautiful plan for us.


Nemesis > She's taking a lot of medicine plus the chemo and the radiation. I worry because she lose her weight dramatically low. She always sleep near the toilet as she keeps vommiting after her session with chemo's.

At this stage travelling is the least part in her mind. I would like to visit her but she always insisted me not to go and see her in that condition.

She said that it may not help her confidence if I will se her like that. I'm confused. I can't control things.

Thanks for all your support and comments guys.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Nemesis (760 days ago)

Um, I wasn't the one who advised to go travelling, on the contrary I advised against it knowing in what condition she would be after chemo. As for those anti-depressants from my own experience I know that the doctors will prescribe it when the patient becomes so depressed that it is ruining the little quality of life that he or she already has.

As for your visiting her, like I've said, be there for her, even if she says she doesn't want you there. The moment you are there, it will change, I can assure you. Be prepared for a shock though. She will be rail thin and have an ashen complexion, and there will have been hair loss.

It's for good and bad times. This time you have to pull her through.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Pumpkin (759 days ago)

I agree you should be with her..I was in a pretty bad way this time last year on the opposite side of the world to my boyfriend. He asked if he could come and visit me and at first my reaction was the same as your GF...but when I talked it over with friends they made me see things from the other side - about how much I would want to be with him if the boot was on the other foot and how as a couple I was shutting him out when really all he wanted to so was support me. For once, I was forced to stop being so damn independant and realise how much it would have hurt him to stop him from coming.
Don't get me wrong, I still cringe at the thought of how I must have looked and I'll never forget how humiliating it was to let him push me around the hospital in a wheelchair..but being a team I knew it couldn't be all about me.
Once I got over that, I didn't even mind him seeing me when my hair fell out - we saw it as an excuse to play dress up - I still have the wig collection too!
His unswerving support taught me a lot and I know it sure as hell strengthened our bond..I now know I can allow myself to let go a little and trust that I can safely lean on him when I need support...and its a ressurance to know that he's seen me at absolute rock bottom - and didn't run away!

I agree with the post above - she will be glad you are there when you are...just give an hour or so notice so she can at least feel that she looks the best she can (I made the nurses tell my BF I was having treatment to buy myself 30 mins to try to do something to look 'ok').

I sincerely hope she lets you in - you sound like a great guy who just wants to give her all the support she needs.

Good luck.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by annebin (759 days ago)

Abra Cadabra--

I had cancer too (cervix). I also underwent 6 courses of chemotherapy and 28 sessions of daily radiation after radical hysterectomy. Those were the most trying times in my life, in my relationship with my husband and my family.

My healing started with having positive thoughts, and insisting that friends and family do likewise. I printed out reading material for my husband and my mom so they too can understand what I will be going through. I also surrounded myself ONLY with success stories, spiritual books, flowers in the house and whatever source of positive energy I can get hold of.

Each person experiencing cancer has different ways of coping. Your girlfriend might say that she doesn't want you around, but, if you can, being with her to physically and emotionally support her will help her get through the difficult times.

In the meantime, email her true to life success stories about people who beat cancer. My brother gave me Lance Armstrong's first book and it was a good nudge towards the right direction. His case was a lot worse than mine and he survived it. And the rest you know..

Order flowers for her online.

Contact her friends and start a brigade to rally her daily recovery and to cheer her up. I know it can get draining, so it would help if you and her friends can take turns.

Contact a cancer support group in her area and find out how they (and you) can support her.

A pet will do wonders too. When I was having chemo, my two labs kept me busy and cheery..

And as for you "pretending thinking that she might not survive this ordeal", toss that thought out the window! The best thing you can do for her is to first believe that she can pull this through.

Stay positive. Do this for her and do this for yourself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by abra_cadabra (758 days ago)

Nemesis > I'm prepared for whatever physical changes that occured to her. I did brought out the topic ( see and take care of her ) long time ago and most recently but she always changing the topics.

Pumpkin > I can see my GF reactions in you but how'd I wish she make up her mind and think differently.

Annebin > This I dont understand, she doesn't want her friends to help her too. I'm trying to support her in this most difficult times of her life.

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by annebin (758 days ago)

Part of supporting her is also understanding where she is coming from with his kind of attitude.

I'm thinking she might be avoiding friends for fear of feeling their pity. Her friends need not be physically there beside her, but from experience, I appreciated getting flowers and cheery, get-well letters from my friends. Sometimes the sympathy of others can be suffocating so don't overdo it..

Respect her need to be alone, but don't let go of her hand.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cookie _monster (426 days ago)

:(

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by docjm (425 days ago)

ur a very good man abra cadabra, for ur deep concern for ur gf.... i'm sure she appreciates u so much.... there are times that silence is the best thing we can give an ill person.... but that doesnt mean we care less..... we just give the space they need and in time, they will reach out when they need us....we just need to reassure them over and over again that we are at their side ALL the time....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by abra_cadabra (424 days ago)

Annebin > So sorry for my late reply. I will try my very best to understand and respect her need to be alone.

Docjm > It's almost been a year that I started this thread hoping that one day I can give you all the encouragements and motivations that I am capable to. I am here to share my burden to anyone who is willing to enlighten and give me more strength to help and support you.
I am not expecting to see you here, you're asking me to give you space and time. I really dont know what to do and I wish that I could make you happy by giving in to your request.
I am assuring you that I am always at your side and I can feel what you had been through. I love you so much and more each day. Stay positive. I need you more than in my life. Give me the chance to take care of you. Marry me.

(I am based in Hong Kong)