need help...

Posted by cara_tanaka (143 days ago)

hi to all,
anyone here have a experience like this??

one of my friend(chinese) she have a bf(british guy) and young like her,they relationship is morethan 4yrs now...
this is the story..
last year her bf hire the part time helper,the helper is a filipina,few days ago my friend meet the filipina at the flat of her bf when she visit there, after she meet the filipina woman, she told me that the part time helper of her bf is nice,and i feel that my friend feel insecure to this filipina woman,because she ask me(my friend) if possible that her bf have an affer later on to the filipina?? i responce to her that,well we dont know what happen tomorrow and the other day,but if she have a trust to her bf,dont bother herself to think a negative things,her worry now is, is that possible that my friend bf have an affer later on to that woman?
i really dont know why she think about that, maybe because her bf ex gf is a filipina?? or maybe,my friend have on her instinct or she feel also that her bf like filipina beauty? she have a lot of question to me now,but i dont really know how to answer it...pls help!!!

(I am based in Other)

Posted by Ice42747 (143 days ago)

lack of confident

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by cara_tanaka (142 days ago)

lastnight when i post this,after i log out....my friend calling me she told me that she found the text mesages to his bf phone for the fil girl,and obiously according to her that her bf and that fil girl have an affair now...
she read in the text mesages that her bf wants the fil girl to come over at his flat at 10pm..?

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Little Carmen (142 days ago)

Dear Lord,

When will women stop snooping through their boyfriends mobile phones in the hopes of seeming like mind readers?

Get your friend to ask her bf outright. I mean, come on, dating 4 years and she doesnt want to show him she is just a little bit threatened by the helper? And let me make this clear, just coz he said "come over at 10pm" doesnt mean, lets bonk. Maybe that was the only time he would be home, maybe she doesnt have a spare key, maybe whatever...if I was your friend, instead of going through every messed up negative "maybe" I would confront my demons head on. At least then the bf will know she has an inlking and then will either (a) fess up or (b) become a lot more covert about his goings on with the helper.

I am sure your friend doesnt want to seem like an insecure type, but the truth of the matter is that she is. So why fake it? Bring the issue out in the open and then see what happens, right? If its true and he's bonking the other girl at least she will know she was with the wrong guy and move on. Honesty may hurt, but it helps clear the air. If he lies, or if he honestly hasnt done anything...oooohhh, either way, its all gonna look messy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by peachy (142 days ago)

sorry to hear that! told your friend get rid of that guy asap.he is insecure.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Little Carmen (142 days ago)

>peachy - no, la, its the friend who is insecure about the helper possibly cleaning the apartment at 10pm. I think its important to know for sure that the helper is doing more than cleaning at that hour before going all gung ho and dumping the bf, dont you think?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by peachy (142 days ago)

of course not,but I think it would be very interesting if your friend came back to her bf's house after 10pm,what would she see...?then your friend can dump that guy without any doubt,no more guess,just see it by herself.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by cara_tanaka (142 days ago)

she told me that the fil girl have a key and her schedule to come for cleaning is only monday afternoon and thursday,well everyday my friend always calling me in ofcourse our topic when we talk is about her bf,its ok with me,but u know sometimes i feel tired to heard about her problem,it seems no other guy on this world...thats why last few hours ago when i talk to her,i told her to talk to her bf and better for her to ask personaly,and i told her too that is not good to read the mesages on her bf phone,and then i told her also that maybe she have a problem on her side,especially she is visiting her bf only on the weekend,i want to be fair both of them with her bf,ofcourse i dont want to become one sided,i gave my emphaty to my friend, but on my side if she is me,better to let my bf do what he wants as long as i cant see what he doing... it is okey if i tell to my friend that dont being like a sensitive or what?? and better for her to ask to her other older friend,not to me,cause im younger than her,and now me also i dont understand her....

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by len_in_shanghai (140 days ago)

Little C, while I often respect and agree with your comments, I would kindly advice you not to type on your PC while intoxicated :)

I am going to stereotype a lot, and I am sorry for it, but I think we are adults here and there is no need to deny the obvious.

How much I wish I could sugar code this but, like a friend of mine often tells me "filipinas are the chinese mistress of the chinese women". He meant to say that if you have a western wife/gf, you probably have a chinese mistress, and if you have a chinese wife/gf, you probably have a filipina mistress.

Not that nationality matters, but your story is a very classic scenario so stereotyping can make things even more obvious (if that could be possible).

Calling your young filipina cleaning lady at 10.30pm in HK does not mean "let's bonk". It means "We have being bonking a lot, so I am very confident I can call you at 10.30pm so we can bonk some more". Don't you dare to look for excuses such as "cleaning emergencies"...What happened? Oh, let me guess, he spilled some diet coke in his pants at 10.30pm and needed assistance? And I am sure the A/C was broken and they had to get naked...of course, that is the most obvious reason!

Grow up, ladies! You are so naive, and the locals are so easy, that I am sure guys must be by now crying for a bit of a challenge in their cheating routines. I feel like you want us to have mistresess, the way you line them up for us guys...just like fishing in a can.

I would go with Peachy's advice but with a twist. Call the bf and tell him you are going on a business trip for 2 days. Then come to his place at 11pm "to surprise him" and see what happens. By the way, do take with you something he may like, just in case he wasn't cheating because if he finds out he has being set up he will surely get mad.

And if men are reading this, for God's sake how expensive is for you guys to have a second or third cell phone? I mean, just keep a "clean phone" for your wife/gf and friends and another one for your wild adventures. You can buy a SIM card without your ID, it can not be linked to you, they can not even use it as bias in a divorce court!...I feel like guys actually want to get caught so they can have an excuse to get away of a relationship...it makes a lot of sense, now that I think of it...

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by so be it (140 days ago)

LOL...well written len_in_shangai.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (140 days ago)

>len in shanghai - phnaar, phnaar! intoxicated, lol, nice one! Hey, most part time maids are basically illegally doing a bit of work on the side. If you are busted hiring a helper who is on a visa to do work for someone else, not only can you get in trouble, they are screwed (no pun intended) too. So I think...maybe it IS possible she can only make it after 10pm, not totally impossible...which is why talking to the bf and being open about concerns....its a start. Hell, she's already snooped through the mobile...you are suggesting she now lie and snoop hardcore! Lol. All this deceit...its just not a good thing.

Your advice is good, sneaky and back handed, but I am sure thats what will work, alas, I doubt cara's friend is the brightest bulb in the box, or the sharpest tack or whatever...something tells me that snooping through the old sms' and gossiping worriedly with the mate...or pouting petulantly, is as far as it will go...

Although we could make a market on it, couldnt we? Hmmm....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by beancurd (140 days ago)

Hello Cara,
If your friend is insecured about the relationship, better be honest with the bf about it. However, it will become very very hard, if the bf tells the truth that he is having an affair with her Filipina helper. How your friend will react about it? Do you think your friend is ready to give up the relationship if it is true? It would be nice if the bf will deny or say it is not true at least your friend will be relieved. If your friend will not talk about this with his bf, how long she has to keep her insecurities.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Strawberry_Shortcake (140 days ago)

this is what i mean when i said i didn't understand 'relationship without communication', after 4 years, the girl still cannot tell the bf what she really thinks?!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dont know why (140 days ago)

Uy...Little carmen, you took the words out of my mouth. I mean....for the love of god and the mother earth...Just ask the Fck-er if he is cheating on her.

Cant we for once be a woman enough and ask the hard questions and take it like a man even if it isnt what we want to hear and do away with this....snooping and invading the privacy of the people we are supposed to love?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kaileyb (140 days ago)

Who the heck comes over to clean at 10pm??? I'd understand if she was a potential new maid and he wanted to meet her and the only time available was late evening. But she's already working for him, so I don't know why she would need to get anything from him such as keys. If she needed to be reimbursed for anything or he needs to give her instructions for anything, he can leave it at the house for when she comes over to clean during "normal" hours.

Having said that, your friend definitely needs to talk to her bf. Stop guessing!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara_tanaka (140 days ago)

hi to all,
thank u very much all of your comments....well the sad thing that i found to my friend is she doing something,i mean,she have aan affair to other chinese guy, and i talk to her yesterday,and tell on her face that, "oh thats why u thinking about your bf is cheating on you,because u did!" and she responce on me that well, yes i do...so,when she ask me to talk about her bf,i really want to help her,thats why im listening what she says,...but last few days ago,when i go out for a shopping, i was really surprized cause i see her with the young guy chinese they walking with holding hands,after that,i see the guy do kiss her...thats why on the first place i feel something that i cant gave it to her my all emphaty,and i have also question on my mind,before i feel really sad for what happen to her,now its different,i feel angry with her cause i found that she is the one do cheating on her bf...so i cant blame her bf...maybe this time,girl and boy do the same thing sometimes... i dont care about her now, maybe? they breaking up,for me i want to be fair to my bf to be...well she only 25 yrs old(my chinese friend) and her bf is almost 28yrs old,(english guy),maybe many relationships on this world happen like this,but anyway thanks a lot of you ladies,and gentelman,for the commets!

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Justin Credible (139 days ago)

Hey cara_tanaka,

Dont be disheartened. Although it totally sucks you had to find out about your friend the way you did...hey, my thoughts? You did the best you could. You were there for her as a friend, you cared about her and cared enough to actually ask others for advice so you could gain some perspective and maybe be more supportive for your friend.

Peh, in life, I say "Where's the fire?" right? I mean, majority of the time when people sit there accusing someone of cheating or suspicious that someone is doing the dirty on them, its coz they know the dark side of human nature first hand.

Your friend is young...and obviously insecure enough to want the attention of more than one suitor, thats her life, let her make her own mistakes. Dont be angry at her, it doesnt solve anything. You have learned a valuable life lesson, simply that some people lie. Anger is not a good emotion, just let it go. You did the right thing, you had empathy and sympathy...now you see your friend with eyes open...best to take a step back, you wont be succered in to feeling sorry for her anymore, she is currently making her bed that she will one day lie in. You were a good and supportive friend, dont feel bad. And dont go thinking the rest of the world is like that, its not...some people just cant be happy with anything.

Peace.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara_tanaka (126 days ago)

thanks to all responce,
but this is what happen after how many days after i talk to my friend...i can not call her how many days cause i want her to realized what she did,but in the next day,my mobile ringing and when i see it who is calling me,its a private ok i pick up the call and say hello,then the caller answer me,hi hello(its a guy) can i speak ms tanaka pls? yes speaking i said,and then he said that he is my friend bf,and he want to come to his place and talk,i meet him how many times but that is the first time he called me...in that day exactly im not really busy,so i say yes to him that i can come,and he request that if i can do come early its better,so after an hour i arrive to his flat,i was really surprized!!! my friend is there and she is really queit, and i start to ask why he invite me to come over to his flat? ok he start, listen tanaka,i love your friend and you know that,but i really dont know why she did this thing to me..? i said yes i know that,and he will continue,ok tanaka i want to directly to tell you what i found it to your friend,she cheating on me,and i probe it,and he show me the pictures,the picture of my friend with the guy and seems in the pictures that they have an affair,after he show that picture,he said im really angry tanaka,cause your friend accusing me that im cheating on her but she can not probe it,but really im not,and he told me that he know also that my friend read the message to his mobile,this time my friend take her all stuff and everything to his bf flat...well im really sorry for her...she is so queit after what happen to her...

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by KAT8 (126 days ago)

Hmmm, it's strange why the boyfriend asked you to come to his flat to prove that his girlfriend was cheating on him. I gather from your posts that she is not even a very good friend, and in anycase it is nothing to do with you. Just seems a bit strange.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara_tanaka (126 days ago)

yes Justin Credible,i do my best for my friend,but she still do what she wants... so she can not blame to anyone if what happen to her,his bf told me about the helper,yes he can call her and send some text messages,but it doesnt mean that they have an affair,he explain it to me that he treat his helper as a friend,thats all...i meet the filipina already and yes she is friendly too and beautiful,nice... this time i receive the invitaion from my friend ex bf now to get together with his other friends and my friends too! hope he can find the right girl for her cause i think he is a good guy! thanks to all of you who can responce here....have a nice day!

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by cara_tanaka (126 days ago)

kat8,because he is the bf of my friend,and he want to show me what my friend done to him,and my friend confes to me already...because all of the evedince is on his bf hands,my friend really doesnt know that her bf hired the detective...and my friend told to me all what happen,so maybe better if give them the time,cause sometimes it will happen that in relationship they together again...

(I am based in Unspecified)