warm and cold

Posted by hys (200 days ago)

one minute he wants to know everything about me, planning trips and all, next min he's distant and away on biz trip.

And just when u decided it's not worth the headache, he comes back with flower and legitimate excuses. (more than once)

Am i being paranoid, or he just hasn't made up his mind about me yet? I feel like a backup plan!

All my friends thinks he's sweet, and I should be nicer to him, but I just don't feel sitting around and waiting for him will change his behaviour.

I have a career too! He's not the only one working! Should I swallow my pride and just play nice?

(I am based in Shanghai)

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Posted by T Bone (199 days ago)

You are his back up plan obviously. Dump him. Don't look back.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (199 days ago)

Please describe, in detail, what you mean by "distant and on a biz trip".

I mean, if he's on a business trip, he's already a good distance off physically....but the "distant" as in "sounds it" could simply have to do with a lousy telephone voice. I kid you not, I know people who are lovely and totally wonderful in person but sound like a cyborg with a malfunction on the phone.

So yeah...if you can describe the "feeling" of "distant" to us in detail, we can better assess if you are paranoid or a back up plan.

On another note, your comment about "I have a career too!" is voicing your frustrations about not being considered more than his career when you are probably considering him more than yours? I dunno...I have a career, but I am basically a desk jockey who works an 12 hour day but I know friends who have very different jobs working weird hours and we still manage to catch up and spend quality time. I dont complain about this, I savour every moment I get with them...however, there are other people for whom this sketchy talk time drives them to feel they dont want to bother being friends with someone who needs a bit more effort.

*shrug*

So...whats the story with the "distant and away"? What does he do for a job? Is he a lowly sales rep or some big shot who genuinely has an asskicking job?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hys (199 days ago)

distant - when he's on his biz trip, he disappears completely. I can understand that he's busy and exhausted, and might not want to talk. All I ask is a text message, or an email, just a few words saying that he has think of me at least once.

Am I asking too much?

As for our "career". We are both in our mid 30s, middle management, pulling in a good income, high stress. What I meant to say is I always manage to call or email when I am away, why can't he do the same?

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by hys (199 days ago)

We've been dating casually for a few months already. Dinner, movies, concert, etc. Yes, I slept with him already. It was a relax relationship and it seems like we both manage to fit our relationship nicely into our daily routine. We haven't gone so far as to introduce each other to our friends and families yet.

However, he threw a fit on Xmas about me not letting him in my life. (he was slightly drunk) I invited him to come to the xmas dinner with my friends, trying to fit him in my life, like he asked.

He turned me down. Like nothing had ever happened before. I am just confused.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by sailinghome (199 days ago)

he does sound lke he's playing wiith your mind if he's asking to come for xmas one minute and then turning you down the next.... some guys are like that... they will only want you on their own terms, which is what it sounds like from what you are explaining.... (though some guys just want to play with your mind because that's what they do, which is even worse...!)

If you're waiting for him to change, in my experience people don't change... you will probably have to wait forever and he will never change...

The questions you have to ask yourself is: Does he make you happy...?... is this the person you CAN spend the rest of your life with...?

I hope that helped.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by jwm (199 days ago)

Have you asked him why he does not SMS you or call you on the business trips? Have you told him that this upsets you, if so, what was his reaction to that?

I really get a laugh from some of the respnses you received from some posters telling you to dump him and that you are his back up plan. How someone can get that from the little information you provides is beyond me, perhaps those posters have a god given talent to make a judgemet based on two or three sentances.

Seems to me you are both educated and have common sense, and if your relationship is heading anywhere, you will be able to communicate, meaning he should be able to provide you with answers to your questions, but you need to ask them!! don't just sit and speculate.

If he is not willing to talk with you about how you feel, then is he really worh keeping around anyway?? But if you can not communicate with him, than you are as just as much at fault as he. Good luck

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (199 days ago)

Forget "the rest of your life"...I mean, just think about if this person makes you happy. Life is about living in the now. Counting on a happiness that may or may not come...mmmmeeehhhh....did you talk to him about his drunken rant about not being included at Xmas?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hys (199 days ago)

I have been thinking about discussing his "rant" with him, but I am afraid that might embarrassed him.

I feel comfortable with him, but there is no butterfly in my stomach. He's what I'd consider a good candidate for hudsband; you know the ususal -similar background, similar value/moral system, same income bracket.

The rant came a little unexpected, I am open to the idea of us having a serious relationship; if he didn't act so nonchalant the next day.

Didn't want to pressure him, that's why I didn't ask. Now it's been 5 days, since his rant....I don't know

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Little Carmen (199 days ago)

Oh dear...no butterflies and a "good candidate for husband". Sounds like you are really KEEN on this one, eh? Lol.

Erm...what are you guys right now? 4? 5 months in? I would say talk to him about the rant. You arent going to be the one embarrasing him, he already did that by himself. Talk it through, deal with it. Sweeping things under a rug will only mean that the next time it will be worse.

Assess, reassess...what exactly are you in at the moment? Are you looking for a husband? Or are you assessing whether you actually want this guy in your life at all. Comfortable isnt exactly a brilliant descriptive word for a relationship in its fledgling stages.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hys (199 days ago)

I don't know. I always dated the "artsy" type of guy. Musician, photographer, etc. For all the guys I dated before, he is the only one has a "regular" job (no disrespect to entertainer and freelance artist), and has a pension plan.

I can talk to him about my job, he can relates to what I am going thru in the office. He is not very romantic (at least compare to all my previous bf), he likes holding hands, watching DVD on sofa, eat in.

My first time feeling secure, comfortable, and actually feeling like I am in a mature adult relationship. I love kids, i don't want to be a super career woman. If possible, I'd like to settle down, and have 2-3 kids. I am not saying he's the one. But I want comfort more than passion now.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by jwm (199 days ago)

If you cannot have a discussion or communicate your feelings with him or any other guy, I think you will always have these issues, so I am sorry to say that you are an equal part of the problems. You will not embarrass him, and again if you do, perhaps he is not the guy for you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hys (199 days ago)

I will when he's back from his biz trip. tks.

(he disappeared for 2 days again)

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Little Carmen (199 days ago)

Plus...take it from someone who has been married and has a kid...lukewarm comfort and tepid passion at the start is not a guarantee of a marriage that will go the happy distance! Actually, reading your description of the types you have dated and comparing them to this one...wow...not only does he keep falling off the face of the earth but he's like a lukewarm bath too??? *SMH* Yep, defo talk to him about this. Wanting 2-3 kids in this day and age...is defo something to assess and reassess in terms of who you are with.

I always thought, if a guy really likes you...he's gonna call, be keen and not leave you hanging for days on end...is all I am saying. If you are hoping that this not so shining armored knight will be the one for you...how sure are you that he thinks you are the one? Maybe you arent the only one who is in this because its a safe option?

When it comes to matters of the heart, most of us are pretty egocentric...its something to think about, eh?

(I am based in Hong Kong)