snoopy's christmas

Posted by consolation prize (197 days ago)

yes, im a snoop, and I deserve a kick, but am now faced with a dilemma which I don't feel I can discuss with friends just yet, so any advice appreciated...

my boyfriend has always spoken fondly of his friend's little sis who lives in England. I 'accidentally' read a facebook email to her - yes, i am a snoopy snoopster, anyway, we have recently moved in together and...

...in nov he mentioned that he actually iked living alone, we moved in together as it was 'convenient,' he would a 'scary thought' prefer to move in with her, also, 'if he wasn't marrying someone else (he's never mentioned marriage to me), he'd marry her and they would have a feast that would last a whole day' yadda, yadda...banter, banter...

now i feel like a consolation prize, obviously if she lived in HK and was into him, he would be in like flynn,

how would you react to this?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (197 days ago)

Something must have made you feel that you had to confirm your b/f's feelings towards this girl. And yes, you've discovered that while you have his body, she has his heart. One of my friends was separated from his sweetheart after WW2. He married and had children, and then met the sweetheart again years later in the company of his wife. We spoke about it privately 6 months later. He told me that the separation from his girlfriend had defined his life. There was always an ache there. His wife always felt as you do now... the consolation prize. My sister also married a man whom she knew had never gotten over his early love. Doomed of course.

It's not that these men won't be able to love again. It's just that they didn't wait to find another one for whom they would feel as strongly about. They have kind of accepted that they love someone else, that person is unavailable, so let's take what's available. That's not a good philosophy. It is never a good philosophy to give up on love, or the chance of it, and settle for these arrangements.

I am sorry that you have found this out. Clearly he cares for you, but not like this other girl. For me, that wouldn't be enough. For others, they wouldn't care, so long as they had someone. I think it's a recipe for disaster in the long term. Unrequited love is the strongest love of all, according to the research.

In the short term, do nothing about this. Have as happy a Christmas and holiday as you can. Enjoy the company of someone who clearly likes your company, and take it for what it is. Then, after the holidays, I think you should go to a counsellor on your own first to work out your feelings to this.

No confrontations, no dramatic ultimatiums. Life is the way it is. Sometimes it sucks at times, but getting through it without tearing everything to shreds is the best policy. Cheer up. The good news is that you know - information is difficult to process at times, but vital to a good result.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by easygoing (196 days ago)

flashback is clear to the point. A love relationship will not be meaningful until he is able to love and treasure you.

Some men define loves in very simple form such as being together, but this may not be enough for some women who perceive love is devotion with a lot of pampering care.

For what you wrote I feel that this guy's behaviour is rather insensitive, or, not that respectful to his present relationship as he keeps mentioning "the other one" and the nice things about her. But as insensitive some men are, did you tell him this behaviour bothers you ? Some men feel at ease with you so they share you everything. Good thing is it is easy to know them inside out, bad thing is you might be bothered with some topics. Can you manage to take out your emotion and discuss rationally your concern and see how he takes it ?


Apart from that behaviour, is he a proper and good guy in other aspects, like at work, with family, his attitude towards people in general ? These might help you to judge him from another angle.

Think of what you want from this relationship and if he is able to be at the same level. Do you two share your view about love relationship ? Can you talk about these type of topics ? Does he believe in growing a stronger relationship and do it ? If you tell him you made an effort for him on certain thing, does he show appreciaton, is he happy to made effort for you likewise ?

Before I give up on people/things I usually give a last try, be fair to myself and to the other person. Thereafter my decision is more affirmative and usually minimise bad feelings for each other.

If after you put effort and the outcome is negative, I hope you manage not to let this drag your emotion down, clear up your mind and let go, like flashback said, without tearing things. Instead, put your energy to make yourself a happy life.

Merry Xmas !

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (194 days ago)

It sounds like your relationship does not have a future.
Or if it does not a sound one.
You may be commiteded, but is he?

Maybe you pushed the moving in thing and he didn't push back. He doesn't sound very strong. Be careful to not fall into the trap of getting used to the 'habit' of living together. The natural extension of this habit could be marriage.

If you do ever make any strategic life plans, then watch out for lack of commitment on his part. Don't just push forward your own agenda.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Pupalicious (190 days ago)

He sounds like a right peice of work if he's able to just be open with you about his feelings with this girl, or is that what you read in the facebook message?

If he's said all this stuff about marriage to your face, I think that shows a distinct lack of respect for you. Could you imagine it? I would have married her if she was in Hong Kong, I mean, how does he expect you to feel.

I feel for you and I hope you don't see this guy as a long term guy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (187 days ago)

Hmmm...he's not just shortchanging you, he's short changing himself. I mean, forget the insecurity created from your snooping (you really shouldnt do that, and slapping yourself on the wrist after and saying "yes, I know I shouldnt have" isnt any good excuse...just dont do it next time, lol)...he is shortchanging himself. Yeah, sucks you are the "consolation prize" but if you are keen to stop shortchanging yourself too...if you want your self respect back...you will just get on with your life and dump the guy, but not before being honest with him about why you want to do so, ie "I snooped, I found this out, and I dont want to be the fall back girl" (sure it will be embarrasing, but its supposed to be...) Of course prepare yourself for the "Oh, come on, you cant be serious, I am with you, what more do you need as reassurance???" You got your gut instinct already playing like a marching band in there...you know what its playing.

Moving in for convenience too...not brilliant. It happens to more people than not, but hey...valuable lesson learned in there coz now you have to think about more than just how you feel, you have to think about the flat you share, about rent, about deposits and flying solo if you actually come to that conculsion...tough job, dont envy you but can empathize.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by consolation prize (186 days ago)

Thanks everyone for your advice.

I may have taken some comments out of context to prove a pre-formed assumption. Now assumtions can be correct, ones formed through careful consideration, investigation or intuition. But I think this one was born of jealousy, fear and the runt, insecurity. The runt has a habit of screaming a lot.

So, we talked it through, and now my partner is aware that under my calm exterior on occassion rages my pre-menstral, neurotic self. I will try to listen to the rational self insted and give the runt a pacifier. Like vodka...ha ha...just joking.

If his actions made me feel second best, I would leave. But he treats me with love and care. I am aware of my 'suspicious mind'...I know we cant go on together with suspicious minds, we cant build our dreams with suspicious minds, and I don't wanna let this good thing die...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (186 days ago)

Excellent! Wait, so you were just PMSing then?

(I am based in Hong Kong)