If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with...

Posted by selda (312 days ago)

I mean, does it work?

In some cultures, romantic love and marriage are totally different things, you marry the one chosen by your family, and fantasise about someone else, or keep him/her as a side dish.

In matters of love i have always followed my heart, rather than used my brain...so i can't really comment on the viability of "practical love", but am curious to hear about other perspectives.


I fall in love with men who run away from me, and ignore those who run to me...even when they are obviously nice guys, grounded and healthy individuals, who are generous with their time and emotions.

Is it possible to learn how to love a good man, and forego the bad ones, and the emotional rollercoaster that inevitably follows?

(I am based in Other)

Posted by gabb (312 days ago)

I think we should all follow our heart. Love comes naturally, it's not suppoed to be "forced". But my problem is I tend to just say no and never give people a chance just by my gut feeling that I will not falll in love with them simply because they do not fit into my "criteria" of who I will like romantically.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by car_lover (312 days ago)

Give those that run to you a chance and u will see how incredible they are. If u keep ignoring those that truly wanna be with u, u end up being hurt by jerks.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Peter KC (312 days ago)

Agreed with Car lover.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Tolu (312 days ago)

seriously , i need someone who needs a serious relationship in china and i would love to have a direct link to her , and i will be happy to travel down to meet with her ,, will like to tell more about my self to her ,, age 30 upwards will be good for me...

Thanks

(I am based in Kuala Lumpur)

Posted by selda (312 days ago)

i know, i know...but as gabb said, there is always that problem...these people might not meet the ideal criteria we have in mind.

You meet someone who is loving, caring, generous, fun to be with, the sexual chemistry is very good, you like his friends, his style, his personality, he respects you, calls to make sure you got home safe, makes time for you even if he is very busy at work, etc. but for some reasons you can't stop thinking about some bastard who broke your heart, was unreliable, mysterious, and so damn good-looking. It's such a common scenario...i would say 90% of my friends experience this!

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by San12 (312 days ago)

selda, i read the other thread in which you said you always end up choosing someone who's like your father. Do you think it doesn't have as much to do with how the guys are like but their availability or lack thereof? Could it be that you're subconciously trying to replicate the same kind of emotionally distant/unavailable relationship you had with your father because that's what you've known so far and are most familiar with? Just a thought.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dazed (312 days ago)

selda, i sympathise completely...and the bastard who just broke my heart wasn't even that good-looking! and much older than me. and eventho i've ended it i still keep thinking about him. but san12 has a point. i find i'm attracted to older men/father figures because i had a loving but complex relationship with mine. how to break the cycle when you're subconsciously drawn to these types? perhaps it's time to force ourselves to listen to our brains rather than our hearts?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (312 days ago)

I really do not know how to respond… as this is an issue close to what heart I have... thus probably a rather unfortunate sober take on the b@stard four lettered word...

Even if he is rather rich, highly sexed, extremely naïve, mainly otherwise distracted, thoroughly good looking and has a vacant pool house if there is no spark something will always be missing… and there will be loneliness and emptiness. IMHO there is only one thing worse than loneliness and that is loneliness within a relationship.

However I do think that you can grow to love someone and that someone can earn respect and admiration and even love but always I think you would be looking over your shoulder or wondering about what awaits around the corner or the what might have beens or could be’s. And I think the one you settle for would know that and that is not fair for a good man unless he loves and worships you so much to accept that even a portion of your heart is enough.

It is hard to settle when you have had it all and want it all. And harder to wean yourself off the taste, the addiction of love but it can be done.

Thus f45k it and throw the proverbial towel into the ring and consign them there foolish dreams to that safety deposit box along with ya heart.

Apologies tis after all another Monday after another one of them there nites before…

Methinks meneeds a martini...

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by flashback (312 days ago)

Selda... until we graduate... we are stuck in the same class.... we keep meeting the same kinds of guys... going through Groundhog Day... over and over again... until we say "Okay... done that, seen enough of that ... let's move on.."

In then end, we say... "I'm done with that.,.. [whatever it was]... alcohol, boring men, guys who are stuck in recreating adolescent dreams... Sorry... just so 'over it', but I do remember the angst... After a while you just shrug your shoulders and say... "What was that all about?"

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (312 days ago)

If you cant be with the one you love, just stay single and love yourself! lol. Trust me on this, loving the one your with...is simply shortchanging yourself. Its telling yourself you arent good enough. Dont do that. Dont make that mistake...in the end, it all goes tits up. :o)

If you kiss enough frogs in some pathetic hope one will turn into a prince, all you will find out is that one of them is poisonous and it will end up killing ya! Lol.

Om Shanti.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by My Hong Kong (311 days ago)

If you can’t be with the one you love...keep searching until your heart finds a new man to love. Initially you do have to listen to your heart. We are talking about a romantic relationship after all...and it is only natural to want to be with a person you are attracted to and could fall in love with.

However, once you know that your heart (and hopefully his heart) is in the right place...do use your head to build a relationship that is hot, warm, rewarding and meaningful.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by weelee (311 days ago)

I thought love would conquer all. I also thought if there is good communication every hick-up in a relationship could be solved. I also thought that compromise was the key and respecting each other and there boundaries accompanied by empathy and understanding. However I have also learned that these key requirements must be equally done from both parties of the relationship.

Sayings I have heard:

A relationship is like two shire horses pulling a plough, if they don't pull evenly they will end up going in circles

Someone said that the greatest lesson one could learn is to love another and be loved in return.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (311 days ago)

Who sang that awful song I can't recall??? Agree with JC on this one.Thinking you love someone just because you can't be with the person you really want to be with isn't fair on anyone.

Stay single and keep searching.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (311 days ago)

so, i guess most people here agree that you can't grow love the way you grow tomatoes, no matter how much devotion and care you put in it.

Whenever i meet a nice guy as opposed to the usual emotionally distant jerks, I am tempted to give it a chance, but i feel that if the butterflies are not fluttering in my stomach, it's pretty doomed from the start.

If i am interested, i come on too strong, let's call it overdrive, my engine is roaring, and i can't wait to get to the destination :-) so if the guy is a bit faint-hearted, he runs a mile.
On the other hand, when i am not interested i am a paragon of virtue, which makes the guy pursue me like there is no tomorrow.

If only i could be as cool with he object of my passion, the problem would be solved!

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by NKNTR (250 days ago)

SELDA is a Turkish female name wondering that are you a Turkish Female or not?

(I am based in Istanbul, Turkey )

(I am based in Singapore)