Never ending pain

Posted by killher (315 days ago)

My husband of 20 years and childhood sweetheart recently had an affiar with a Korean woman which lasted around 6 to 9 months. I was completely devastated but in the past month we have managed to reconcile. The problem is that I am still in terrible pain. My husband wants me to let go of the pain and move foward while at the same time indicating to me that he still loves her but will get over her in time. How can I move on? I feel tremendous anger towards the other woman but I am afraid to direct anger towards my husband as we are trying to work things out. The pain I have felt is immeasurable. It was so bad that I attempted to commit suicide and subsequently ended up in a psyc. hospital. This woman has wantingly hurt both me and our 15 year old son without a shred of remorse. She could have said no to him but she is in the process of looking for husband #3 and is willing to hurt anyone to acheive her goal. As a result we are moving back to Canada but my husband will still spend a great deal of time in HK for work. The other woman goes out drinking regularly in LKF and leaves her young son at home. I know they will run into one another. Do I not have a right to be upset? I have always been loyal to him, I have never even kissed another man.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (315 days ago)

I wasnt sure who it is that one has to be angry at in a situation like this, there are some steadfast rules on that, right? Lol....but I think you should bloody well be angry at your husband for not keeping it in his pants. Opportunity will always be around, forget being mad at this woman because if it wasnt her, it would be some other woman...either way, your husband messed up.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by numberone (315 days ago)

Thanks Justin, I appreciate your response.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by My Hong Kong (315 days ago)

Killher, you have 100% the right to be upset, but please change your nickname. Killing people - even if it is just in your own mind - is not the right frame of mind. Also, please continue to receive help.

I don't quite see how you think you can reconcile with your husband while he is telling you that he still loves her. Not only had he cheated on you...he keeps messing up your mind. Lots of wives went through the same experience at this part of the world. There are some very strong willed and persistent women out there that do not care at all if a man is married or not. Of course some might say that your husband could have refused, but I have seen quite a few situations in which it was almost impossible. People won’t understand it until they see how these women operate. :)

Anyway, ask yourself if you really want to stay with your husband. Perhaps you can look at it as an opportunity to build a new life for yourself and a second chance in love and romance. However, if both of you insist on staying together...the only way I believe it would be possible is if your husband leaves Hong Kong permanently…works in Canada...and comes home every single night. If he keeps travelling to Hong Kong...you won’t have peace of mind.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by My Hong Kong (315 days ago)

Oh...I think you did change your name. :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Meiguoren (315 days ago)

Yes, much nicer name! If you haven't already, I suggest you find a professionally trained marriage counselor for couples therapy to get you through this. Your anger at husband is legitimate and you need to work through it, but in a safe and controlled environment that the counselor can provide. That way you don't become "killhim" ;-)

But just my input, if I were interested in saving my marriage there's no way in hell I'd move back to Canada and leave him here. He needs a nice place to come home to (how do you make it nice when you're so angry, but if you want a vital and loving relationship then you must figure out how to do that, it's one thing the counselor can help with). There's a thing called sex that adds to temptation. Also, it will take years to rebuild the trust that has been betrayed, in the meantime it will drive you insane to think of what might be happening in HK if you're stuck in Canada with long nights to wonder. (He also needs to swear off the night life, unless you are out there with him being the life of the party.)

Read the thread on LD relationships and make the decision not to be apart, unless in fact you just want to leave him and rebuild your life in Canada. Agree with MHK on this -- make a commitment to stay together even if it means changing jobs to enable a move back to Canada or you stay here.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by numberone (314 days ago)

Thanks for all the input. I have changed my user name. I was filled with anger and frustration when I wrote that. I would like nothing more then for him to never return to HK and I have told him so. He has promised me that he will work towards that goal but it will take some time. Meiquoren, you are right, the nights alone in Canada will be unbearable and I may not be able to cope. This reconciliation may not work but I feel I have to try. I have known him for 30 years, it's alot to walk away from.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by coolbabe888 (314 days ago)

Dear numberone, I really feel for you, 30 years truly is something you can't just toss out the window. But as a first step, I want you to make the decision to not ever attempt or even think about taking your own life again. You owe it to God, to yourself, to the people who love you, and most of all to your 15-yr. old son!!! How do you think he feels after knowing that you tried to take your own life? Just because your husband decides to run around with some cheap slut doesn't mean you no longer have any reason to live. You are worth so much more than that! Regardless of whether or not things work out between you and your husband, you have to remember that things happen for a REASON...and it's ALWAYS, ALWAYS for the BEST. We may not see it now, but as time goes by you'll look back & see that it was indeed it was all a BLESSING in disguise. Hardship, pain, suffering and crisis occurs to teach us a lesson, to make us stronger, better individuals, you have to never lose sight of the fact that there's always a rainbow after the storm (sorry for sounding cliche!) You have to be strong to get through this and be ready to accept whatever outcome this may bring-- whether you stay together and have a happier, stronger marriage or you part ways and move on with your life. It's important to not ever lose YOURSELF or your IDENTITY, and to not let ever think that was entirely your fault. Sure there may be things that you could do to maybe improve your relationship or lessen the chances of this happening but ultimately, it was HIS decision, HIS doing, and HIS issue. It won't matter if you move back to Canada, stay in Hong Kong or move to the middle of Timbuktu, if you don't address the real issue, he WILL always find another woman to mess around with GUARANTEED. You have to sit down and really talk to your husband, ask him why he cheated on you, what he got out of it, how it makes you feel, etc. You need to get down to the core of the problem and tackle it from there.

I sincerely do hope you take my advice numberone and know that you will be in my prayers!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by coolbabe888 (314 days ago)

Dear numberone, I really feel for you, 30 years truly is something you can't just toss out the window. But as a first step, I want you to make the decision to not ever attempt or even think about taking your own life again. You owe it to God, to yourself, to the people who love you, and most of all to your 15-yr. old son!!! How do you think he feels after knowing that you tried to take your own life? Just because your husband decides to run around with some cheap slut doesn't mean you no longer have any reason to live. You are worth so much more than that! Regardless of whether or not things work out between you and your husband, you have to remember that things happen for a REASON...and it's ALWAYS, ALWAYS for the BEST. We may not see it now, but as time goes by you'll look back & see that it was indeed it was all a BLESSING in disguise. Hardship, pain, suffering and crisis occurs to teach us a lesson, to make us stronger, better individuals, you have to never lose sight of the fact that there's always a rainbow after the storm (sorry for sounding cliche!) You have to be strong to get through this and be ready to accept whatever outcome this may bring-- whether you stay together and have a happier, stronger marriage or you part ways and move on with your life. It's important to not ever lose YOURSELF or your IDENTITY, and to not let ever think that was entirely your fault. Sure there may be things that you could do to maybe improve your relationship or lessen the chances of this happening but ultimately, it was HIS decision, HIS doing, and HIS issue. It won't matter if you move back to Canada, stay in Hong Kong or move to the middle of Timbuktu, if you don't address the real issue, he WILL always find another woman to mess around with GUARANTEED. You have to sit down and really talk to your husband, ask him why he cheated on you, what he got out of it, how it makes you feel, etc. You need to get down to the core of the problem and tackle it from there.

I sincerely do hope you take my advice numberone and know that you will be in my prayers!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by coolbabe888 (314 days ago)

Dear numberone, I really feel for you, 30 years truly is something you can't just toss out the window. But as a first step, I want you to make the decision to not ever attempt or even think about taking your own life again. You owe it to God, to yourself, to the people who love you, and most of all to your 15-yr. old son!!! How do you think he feels after knowing that you tried to take your own life? Just because your husband decides to run around with some cheap slut doesn't mean you no longer have any reason to live. You are worth so much more than that! Regardless of whether or not things work out between you and your husband, you have to remember that things happen for a REASON...and it's ALWAYS, ALWAYS for the BEST. We may not see it now, but as time goes by you'll look back & see that it was indeed it was all a BLESSING in disguise. Hardship, pain, suffering and crisis occurs to teach us a lesson, to make us stronger, better individuals, you have to never lose sight of the fact that there's always a rainbow after the storm (sorry for sounding cliche!) You have to be strong to get through this and be ready to accept whatever outcome this may bring-- whether you stay together and have a happier, stronger marriage or you part ways and move on with your life. It's important to not ever lose YOURSELF or your IDENTITY, and to not let ever think that was entirely your fault. Sure there may be things that you could do to maybe improve your relationship or lessen the chances of this happening but ultimately, it was HIS decision, HIS doing, and HIS issue. It won't matter if you move back to Canada, stay in Hong Kong or move to the middle of Timbuktu, if you don't address the real issue, he WILL always find another woman to mess around with GUARANTEED. You have to sit down and really talk to your husband, ask him why he cheated on you, what he got out of it, how it makes you feel, etc. You need to get down to the core of the problem and tackle it from there.

I sincerely do hope you take my advice numberone and know that you will be in my prayers!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by F100 (314 days ago)

Dear numberone,

first of all, your 15 year old son needs you soooo much.
please don't do anything to harm yourself.
talk to someone that you trust and that will be there for your 24 hours a day.

as for your husband...
you might want to have a "rethink" on leaving him alone.
it just makes it so much easier for the woman to come back into his life.

just try to remember that you don't have to make a decision about what you want to do immediately.
give yourself a lot of time.
you will probably feel differently as time goes on.

to repair your marriage the first thing your husband will need to do is to terminate all contact with this woman.

best of luck,

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by marky4 (314 days ago)

Time will not ease your pain, it just makes it more bearable...You and your Son have the justification to feel hurt and betrayed. (Forget the other woman) Your husband is the guilty party and as such should be made to face up to his injustice, for that is what it is. Do not try and search within you for any weakness and say "What did I do wrong"?... Men spend 9 months trying to get out...the rest of their lives trying to get back in.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by polarduck (313 days ago)

Dear numberone,

I absolutely understand your feelings. I am in the same boat, but my story is a pathetic one. It's so sad that you can't find one in a drama series. I found out that my husband had been living with another woman for 3 years for a couple of days then 4 nights in a week. I trusted him so much that I didn't query him. He used the excuse of doing research and teaching extra course in ShenZhen every week (He's a university professor). We've been married for 17 years with two children. Like you numberone, I've never touched another man before. After I found out (it's a long story), I talked to him in February this year. We've sorted out things yet as he said he wanted the family back after I confronted him. Then in March I found out that I have cancer. I had my operation , a very major one, done in April. I'm back at home now. Since I haven't had a chance to reaise my anger and frustration after the confrontation because I had to deal with my disease. Now, like you, I feel angry, sad, and frustrated. Men always have a fantasy that once the affair is exposed, the matter is resolved and you have to move on without mentioning it again. My husband got very upset everytime when I mentioned how his affair has affected me. He started to throw temper. Hey, I am the sufferer and I had to suffer again for what he did wrong. The world is so unfair. Now we are 'living' in the same apartment and I am thinking what is the best arrangement for us and the children. Numberone, life is not easy but don'e hurt yourself. I used to be a very happy person, now depressed (cried suddenly for no reason) but I know I have to recover from this neverending pain because without a healthy body, how can I look after the children whom they are now the number one in my life.
I'm in Hong Kong.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by numberone (313 days ago)

Polarduck,
Your story is heartbreaking. I am truely saddened by it. I want you to know I will think of you every day. You have been through a terrible nightmare, one I can't even imagine. You are right, men just want to move on and not deal with the consequences. They don't understand why you are still in pain. I told my husband this morning that the sanctity of our marriage is lost and we can never get it back. I told him I am grieving, that my pain is still very real and that my anger has yet to be dealt with. You can't just switch it off. I hope you have some family or close friends around to help you through your recovery. Remember that others are thinking of you. I wanted to end my life but I know now that's not the solution. When I am feeling overwhelmed I will think of you. I admire your strength and courage. Please hang in there and get the help you need. You are in my heart.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by polarduck (313 days ago)

Thank you numberone,

I was brought up here although most of my family members are overseas now. I am very blessed that my sisters and my close friends and very supportive. I think without this man, I can still survive. I told my husband one time that he was just like the surgeons who did the operation. Once the tumor was taken out, the surgeon said the operation is successful. But the surgeons didn't care about the scars on my body and the nerve pain (which is killing me). The pain is there although I take a lot of pain killing drugs. This is the same picture as my marriage. My husband said the affair is over because he didn't go to ShenZhen anymore and have a clean break with the woman. But there are scars in our marriage and the pain that he can't imagine. We went to counselling but he stopped now. I don't want to go into details. But I want to tell you, numberone, you have to talk to your husband and at the same time, reconstruct the personal goals. I always put the family as no. 1 goals. Now I think I have to treat myself better. I have sacrificed my golden age for this lousy man.
We women are strong and brave in times of hardship. I hope you are feeling better now and put yourself as number 1 in your life.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Tidings 2 (313 days ago)

polarduck, very poignant and good advice.

I feel so badly for anyone who goes through cheating. It may be rampant but it still hurts like crazy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)