So incredibly miserable

Posted by Mudgie (337 days ago)

Just ended a tough 5-year up-down relationship with a man I financially supported thoroughout. I just could not deal with it anymore and the stress. Yes, it was my mistake for being embroiled in his dramas in the first place - he had just separated from his wife, kids taken away, etc when we first met. Anyway, stupidly, I thought I was helping him - financially, emotionally, etc. But 5 years on, it was driving me crazy - his struggles with his ex were ongoing, no job, financial mess, broken promises, etc. So even though I still care(d) for him, I ended the relationship. He was/is furious calling me names, saying I am cruel, etc. Argh. Why the hell I miss the good things like the talking and sharing is beyond me. I'm driving myself crazy! Help...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (337 days ago)

Leaving this guy is the healthiest thing you've done in 5 years.

Run run run.... Don't look back.... whewww!!!

When you are at a safe distance, you'll be able to see that you were only ever a spectator in someone else's drama... Read through all these threads... unhappy people dragging other unsuspecting people into their pitiful problems whether to spice up their dreary lives or because they themselves refuse to solve the real problems in their lives, and want someone else to help them take the blows.

Get out and away, and get a life. Cut off the connection immediately if he calls you names...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Mudgie (336 days ago)

Thanks Flashback. You are absolutely right. The problem is it gets worse.

I can't run coz he's living in my place and refuses to budge. Says he has not a cent hence would be in the street. He threatened to take me to court if I force him out, claiming common law marriage status and hence palimony. Surely that cannot be right. Does anybody have a legal background? Any insights/advice? Just an absolute nightmare...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (336 days ago)

Umm... you need to post this on the legal page... What a creep....! Now you see why the other one didn't want him.

Girls... to quote William Glasser MD - avoid two types of men at all costs - the workless and the psychopath... looks like you got two in one here.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Miss C (336 days ago)

just put in your mind that you deserve better than him... flashback is right cut off all the connections and have a new life... find a legal advice to kick him out!!!

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Justin Credible (336 days ago)

Man that sucks!

How many more months do you have on your lease? Hey, ask a lawyer what you can do, initial consult is free or cheapish, right? So it cant hurt to ask...send an e-mail to my lawyer at ken@or-partners.com and ask what you can do to have deadbeat parasite removed from your premesis. All my googeling didnt bring up any common law stuff, not for HK anyway, I dont think they have that here or ever person getting out of a 3 year relationship could potentially be reaming their partners, hell, even in divorce you dont get that much! Lol....hell, he'd have to hire a lawyer for that...I would recommend you watch your cash and simply stop giving him any. If you have joint accounts, close em. Transfer all your savings & assets to an Isle of Mann account without telling him. Better safe than sorry...

I say call his bluff, get a lawyer and then at some point call the cops on him. If he is going to be an a** about it, you best play hardball.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Claire (336 days ago)

This man is off his rocker; threatening his meal ticket like that! Time to stop the enabling. Time to stop him making you feel guilty because you have said enough is enough. You have a parasite sucking the life out of you. Time to let the leech go.

No, there is no such thing as common law marriage in Hong Kong. Only registered marriages under the Marriage Ordinance are valid - unless you became his concubine before 1971!

Is your name on the lease? If so, then he has no tenancy rights.

Do you feel you are in a position to the following? Pack up his belongings, stick them in the building lobby, tell the security guy not to let him in and, of course, change the locks?

It's time for him to leave and find someone else to sponge off.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Justin Credible (336 days ago)

I agree with Claire. If you need help doing the above I can volunteer myself and my partner...

If all else fails, a pair of concrete wellies can be ordered from my friendly neighbourhood Dai-loh!

But seriously, if you need help, just say the word and we'd be happy to help muscle this rat out on his jobless hiney.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Jack Thelad (336 days ago)

Mudgie - i know heaps of lawyers, send me a message if you need me to try and put you in touch with one of them for some free advise , ok ? failing that, we could all just pile round your flat and boot this silly man out !

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (336 days ago)

This situation will only escalate.The guy feels cornered and the best form of defence is attack.I bet in a few days he will do a complete turn around and be all lovey dovey and apologetic.
If he is threatening you go to the police and make a statement,do it anyway.Definitely see a lawyer asap and find out about getting a restriction order against him.
You don't mention nationality but also go to the embassy and make a statement so they are aware of the situation even though embassies won't get involved in domestic matters it's good to have it on record.
If your name is solely on the lease the police can kick him out tell them he is threatening you etc.If all else fails I'll join the "Let's throw the rat out" brigade.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Mudgie (336 days ago)

Thank you all so much. You will not know how much your support and words help. Have felt so weighed down – see the trouble is I’m not one of those cold hard women – wish I were – hence my problem in the first place! Exploited and yes Claire you’re right I now realise I have played the enabling role, and the profound error of my ways. Justin/Jack/Momo thank you all … will PM you. After years of his mental brainwashing, it is so nice to know there are good people out there willing to help a fool like me.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (336 days ago)

Dont you worry, lah. Just get your finances in order...and like my mum did with me when I messed up in college, "Cut him lose" no cash, no nothing...and stick all your valuables in a vault. Then promptly get his stuff packed by movers and shoved out there with the guard and change the locks...also tell the guard he is not living with you anymore and is a now unwelcome stalker.

And like I said...just give a shout out and we'll make time to come over and kick him out if you need mor(t)al support. :o)

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by flashback (336 days ago)

Yes... you've been too soft, but you know that. And he knows how to push your buttons, but hey don't feel sorry for him anymore. He's got to get his own life together and deal with some authentic survival stress like the rest of us

Man, what did he think...? That he should get the golden ticket that exempts him from taking responsibility for himself...?

Yes... Get the process in action... I mean, it's nearly summer, and heck, you gotta get him out of your life before you spend another dime on him or another precious second.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cujo (336 days ago)

How often do you see such unanimty of opinion in this forum? Not often, but then again, it's not often that you see a situation with just one obvious solution. In particular pay attention to what momo8 wrote - once this guy sees that his current approach isn't working, he's going to go all soft and weepy and tell you how much he loves you and needs you and how he'll get a job and change and blah blah blah. Do not believe that crap for even a second! Maybe you're not a cold hard woman, but it's time to do your best imitation of one. My mother put up with a jerk like that for more than 30 years. Even after she finally divorced him, he wormed his way back into her house. Don't let that happen to you! Let me know if you need another volunteer for the posse.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (336 days ago)

Mudgie I PMd you and in the meantime be very,very careful of this guy.You're serious about kicking him out and he knows it so he's cornered.If he thinks he can play you to buy time he will cajole you,be super Mr nice guy,anything to make you change your mind...

OR

He could turn nasty and aggressive and unpredictable.

This weekend I would play it cool don't say anything to incite him or give him a clue to what you plan to do,just need to know basis.Maybe go out on your own leave him to his own devices to avoid conversations/confrontations.Follow through with the police statements although police will not get involved in a domestic between two foreigners (assuming you are both) unless there is violence involved.
DO contact a lawyer and your embassy.
If the lease is solely in your name,pack up his stuff,take it to a hotel desk and leave it there.Change the locks and go out of town for a few days if you can.
If his name is also on the lease maybe it's better if YOU move out and cut your losses.Whatever you do don't let him suspect you are up to something and try to act as normal as possible.

Good luck and have a good weekend!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (partially perpetual) (336 days ago)

There is not much I can add to all the great advice already posted other than please never blame yourself for any of this... he took advantage of your love and you do deserve much much better... and no doubt sometime soon you will be rewarded...

So all the best of luck for the meantime... it will be difficult but it will all be for the best so please do try to stay positive.

Hugs and love to you.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Mudgie (336 days ago)

Yes, that's what finally dawned on me - I do deserve better. Virtual hugs to my growing posse. You all help me be strong! Will let you know what happens.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (335 days ago)

Mudgie,
you are strong and can get out of this situation more easily than you think.
First, of all, be a good judge of his character. Is he violent, aggressive, or just passive-ggressive?
Because dealing with an aggressive person requires a completely different approach, you don't want to put yourself in danger. He has no legal grounds to stay in your flat, but might resort to violence if you kick him out.
Try and defuse the tension, for instance, do you have any mutual friends that can help by giving him temporary shelter? Talk to those friends first, and ask for their advice, saying that you need some distance to reflect on your relationship with him. Once he is out, and reasonably comfortable, you change the lock, meet him only in public places and try to reason with him. Listen to him carefully, read his body language.Pay attention to any sign.
He has been using you, there is no doubt about it, but there might be a lot of other emotions involved. With very difficult people you need patience. Exstricate yourself gradually, you might have to support him financially while he gets back on his feet, but it's a small price to pay for your safety and peace of mind. I know what i am talking about. See a counsellor together if you can persuade him to do so. Get more people involved, in a non-confrontational manner. Don't make him feel cornered, because he can react in an unpredictable manner. Are you in touch with his family? If so, talk to them. He needs someone else's support once you put some distance between you two. Desperate people react in desperate ways. Not everyone, but if he has nothing to lose, he might try to bring you down with him. Just be careful, always assume the worst. Better safe than sorry. He has become part of your life over 5 years, you can't expect him to disappear overnight. That's the mistake i once made, and only then found out how deeply unstable my husband was. And i am lucky to be alive.
I don't want to scare you, he might be the meekest fellow, but as i said, whatever you do, be careful. Don't act in a rash manner because you can trigger a reaction that you never expected.
Be strong, firm but also understanding. Cutting him off completely might require a bit of time and patience. You know that this is what you want, now you have to be a strategist. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine his reactions.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Mudgie (334 days ago)

Thank you Selda. What you said makes a lot of sense. I thought I was a good judge of character. Something like this, though, makes you question everything. No, I have not been physically afraid of him before but when he yelled at me quite belligerently the other night, for the first time in 5 years, I heard my heart pounding in my ears, and felt intimidated. I did not respond or provoke him further, just put distance between us.

You're right in that he feels cornered. He said as much. I argee with you that having to contribute financially while he gets on his feet is probably in the grand scale of things a small price to pay for my safety and peace of mind.

Have spoken to him subsequently and it seems like he wants a month to get himself "stablised". Now I don't know if he will keep his word. I will have to deal with that when the time comes. But yes, I can't expect a problem that I helped create to just dissapear over night - however, I wish for it.

Selda, I congratulate you for getting through what must have been a very tough situation for you too. It is quite amazing how women like us (capable, etc) manage to get ourselves in such a mess, isn't it? I know for me there are so many lessons. And it is tough, but am with you on being firm yet understanding. To all of us who have been thru the wringer because of people we loved, I salute you. May we grow stronger & wiser...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (330 days ago)

Mudgie how are things on the home front?Are you making any progress?
Stay strong about kicking him out and things will work out for you and be careful of giving this guy an inch he sounds like he'll take a mile!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Mrs Miggins (329 days ago)

You may have to give him an incentive $ to leave and get on his feet. I know lots of women in HK whose partners have asked them to leave and it was only fair for the guy to give them some money to get home and be able to look for a job. This may make it a bit easier for you, even though he sounds like a huge loser.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Mudgie (326 days ago)

Have offered a $ incentive, which he has declined. He has asked for time, which I am extending to him out of decency. Have set a deadline, whether he abides by that is uncertain. After that all bets are off. Funny, how you can grow to so dislike someone you once so cared about.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (326 days ago)

stick to your deadline
and tell the security guard to watch out for if he moves all your stuff out.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Mudgie (326 days ago)

Yes, good idea.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (326 days ago)

Why are you being held at ransom by this guy?
Relationship over so unload him.He is buying time and in the meantime who is paying the rent/power/water/phone/food?
What is he REALLY up to?The guy has got his marching orders so what's he doing now apart from still making your life miserable?
There's no decency in any of this Mudgie,take some action and stop extending his deadlines.You are not his mother.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Mudgie (326 days ago)

Yes, moral laxity on my part would enable me to be less miserable right now. However, I have a strange internal code that prevents me from throwing someone out on the street without a single lifeline or option. I am now giving him some time, but within my timeframes. What he does with it, is his choice. After that I will be pursuing all options.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ACFHK (326 days ago)

Mudgie,
Been there done that. Stop wasting your time and move on. if you really want to help him....help him help himself.
What everyone is saying here is he's playing you, you owe him nothing, take care of yourself, enough is enough.
If there is a possibility that he could turn nasty then just leave. I know it's not fair that you have to go but it's better than living with him and being held an emotional hostage, because that's what's happening. Good luck.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Mudgie (326 days ago)

Do see the validity of your comments guys. Will reassess the situation.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Meiguoren (326 days ago)

If he's homeless for a few days, or weeks, guess what? At least it's not cold outside. It will give him a wakeup call, but it won't kill him. Seriously, he knows you don't want to put him out homeless and he will play it to the end. But when you do kick him out, he will find something else to do or someone else to latch onto. He can call his mom and ask for money.

Be prepared that when he gets to the end, and all his other manipulations no longer work on you, he may (MAY) turn violent. Has he ever been violent or threatening before? Be prepared "just in case," for the ending of a manipulative relationship is the most dangerous time for women. Consider what your safety arrangements might need to be during the time when you actually kick him out as well as for how you will avoid him as you go to work, if he stalks you. You may wish to change residences or stay with friends for awhile until he gives up and loses interest. Umm, I've never personally had to deal with any situation like this, but some people I've known have found it helpful to call the ex-wife to ask for her insight and find out how the end-game worked in her case.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by caralu (326 days ago)

You could wait it out for the month, and then just throw him out later, or offer him the choice of these two: A serviced apartment for a month... Lantau Island or Warick Hotel, Cheung Chau...around $7-12,000. Move him out... there's his month... out of your hair... don't come back la...

A ticket to his home country.... again, no welcome back la...

Of course, you don't owe him either, but you want the dead wood out of your life...

Bear in mind the many many people in this city who are holding down waiting jobs and flat-sharing... There are other options for this man... You are the easy one.

Change the locks.

(I am based in Hong Kong)