confuse wife

Posted by allyn23 (340 days ago)

im a newly wed girl
im 24 and married to a wonderful 25 yrs old guy from britain...
we got married in my home country then he left me there...
i understand his reason but i still feel bad coz it seems like he have no solid plan for me or for our new family...
when i went out of the country and went here in china he got really mad..
we argue everytime we talk online,,,'
and feel so bad...
im trying very hard to prove to him that i can get a job here but he keeps on pushing me down...
i got no support from him,,,instead i got not so good words...

im so confuse on what i should do with my everything,,,

hope somebody out there can give me an advise...

hope to hear from you soon

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by justin credulous (340 days ago)

What kind of job have you had in the past? Are there training courses you can take? (you mention family) Do you have any kids together?

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by momo8.. (340 days ago)

You are newly married yet he left you? That has to be difficult.What exactly is his problem with you coming to China to find employment?Instead of arguing with him try to communicate better and let him see your side of the story.What does he want you to do?If you can find a good job then he should support you,I don't know your circumstances can you give us a little more info?What about his future plans for the two of you?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sam-the-man (339 days ago)

I smell a rat!! Sorry for being negative. But don't be heartbroken.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by allyn23 (338 days ago)

to mr. justin credulus:
im a domestic helper in hongkong,,,what kind of training courses? we just newly wed,,,we both have no kids yet

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by allyn23 (338 days ago)

to momo8
he got some problem in his home country...he dont like me to come here in china,,coz when i came here before i had bad memories here,,,he also dont like me here coz i have exbf here,,,and he feels not secure me being here

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by clan (338 days ago)

I can see you come from different cultural backrounds. That can be very difficult. I am from Britain and if my British husband (like yours) left me the way he did I would not be very happy. I think his insecurity in you and your ex bf is outrageous. i'm sorry I wouldn't stand for it. Have yo ever done anything to spoil that trust? Can i just say that very few Western women would put up with this treatment and I'm trying to look at it from that point of view as your husband is Western. I don't want to sound negative but you are allowing him to do this. You should be firmer and ask that he show some understanding and respect. It seems silly that you are newly married but living apart. Unfortunately many western men marry Asian women because they are fed up with Western women having an opinion and expressing it....but if you don't speak up you allow the marriage to be unequal, and it will always be if he treats you this way.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by allyn23 (338 days ago)

hi ms. clan
do you have yahoo or msn messanger so that we can talk privately,,,,i like your point of view and would like to read more....mine is jaclynrowan3227@yahoo.com
hope to hear from you soon

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by car_lover (338 days ago)

I think u shld really talk to ur hubby abt this issue. Who in the right mind wld get married n dump his wife in her own country n move on? I mean, wats the purpose of getting married in the first place? When u get married, u definitely wanna be with him or her. What sort of reasons did he give for leaving u behind? Am curious.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by allyn23 (338 days ago)

we just got married last march2007,,i do want to be with him but in some way at the moment i dont think its possible...he got some problem back in his country wich he have to be there to solve it,,,i understand him but i cant help to feel bad and confuse...i dont know,,i gues im just confuse

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by leg7 (338 days ago)

I'm sorry to hear your story. I guess you need to discuss with him. you said that he has problems and got be in his country to solve but I believe he at least should tell you how long you need to wait for. I still don't understand why he can't bring you there and then solve his problem. If he thinks that he can't be with you until his problem is solved, then he shouldn't get married with you at the first place. don't wait, talk to him, give him a deadline.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by seki82 (337 days ago)

Firstly i hate being referred to as a weterner is makes me sick and secondly whilst i was engaged to my now wife whilst she was in shenzhen in january. I was assured that she was being faithful to me but I find that she is seeing a few men, it wasnt paranoia because I was told this.... I love her anyway and decided I could work past this and I needed Jaclyn more than ever. I married jaclyn not because she is a filipina that is an unfair assumption I treat women as equal and I am not a chauvinistic pig or a sexest... but when i discovered that jaclyn was to return to shenzhen I am obviously not happy, her last trip there was a total disaster she got mixed up with bad people, she got raped and she was seeing other men... I do respect her opinions but I have a massive question mark over my head why she would want to return to such a dangerous place.... And please remember guys although I have made my commitments to jaclyn I take them seriously, I feel sick at the way filipina girls are portrayed my wife is intelligent, an amazing girl and beautiful... I maybe from the UK but do not under estimate the gulf between these cultures because that gap closed a long time ago!! And I know that this totally unbelievable but contrary to popular belief there is alot of red tape involved in moving to another country, I am doing my best to be with Jaclyn but I have not abandoned her!!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by clan (337 days ago)

Why on earth do you hate to be referred to as a Westerner? You are, are you not? You do have a different cultural backround...Your wife is Asian...FACT not assumption or remotely racist. Your wife sounded desperate and needed to find out what people thought. Had you not explained this to her what your future plans were? Your explanation has now portrayed your wife as a seriously disturbed woman who needs to have help, guidance and support. You being away from her like this doesn't appear to be helping her or your relationship which appears to be built on mistrust.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (337 days ago)

Hoop.

So wait, the original poster came on here to complain about her husband and now the husband is on here saying she's been doing the run around back in Shenzhen???

I dunno, but it sounds like the classic wet behind the ears new to China/HK-er who ends up marrying with his eyes closed.

Mate...very easy to get mixed in with the wrong people if you want to out here. I'd keep my eyes in the back o me 'ed open from now on, if I was you and all. Good luck.

As with every story, there are 3 sides to it...what she says, what he says and what really happened.

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by seki82 (337 days ago)

people ALWAYS assume because you are (and i hate this) a WESTERNER i will have money... wrong in fact far from it! I am working my a** off to make the money we need to start a life together, I couldnt and this is unfortunet afford the visa renewal... I have not abandoned her as i try my best to help financially! if it helps you all sleep better at night this monster has left her for good! she is free from my dirty westerner grasp... I maybe a westerner but it makes me sick to be one, I hate everything the west stands for!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by allyn24 (337 days ago)

you know seki i didnt marry you for money....
i never ask anything from you,,,
i may have done stupid things before but thats because i really didnt thought youll come back for me...you know i had past relationship and they never came back and they just left me....and i thought it will happen again....but you did came
you promise me everything will be different when we get married...i tried to show you and make you feel i can be a faithfull wife but you just keep on reminding me about the past...
you left me to a place where im running from...
and you think that coming back here in china ill just be with other man and not for a job...
if this is a punishment for my mistakes before and for being hurt...
ill accept it...
thank you for leaving me...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by seki82 (337 days ago)

you dont cheat on the one you love! I am sorry for causing this distress but i genuinely thought you loved me... I made a huge mistake, I shouldnt have married you until I had the money to support us both..... sorry

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (337 days ago)

OK WAIT.....

allyn23 started this thread and was registered on the 11th of June...now we have allyn24 posting and registered on the 14th of June...I smell total bogus posts here.

"thank you for leaving me"??? Gf, if this is for real, you sound like Britney *bleepin* Spears! I mean...blame everyone but yourself for making a mess of things? Thats not how it works in the real world. Take ownership of your problems and quit blaming others. When you cheat in the past, it doesnt just *poof* evaporate from other peoples minds as easily as it does from yours. And then to have the gall to complain that someone else cant get over the fact you did something daft and to blame them for making you feel bad....duh, I hate to say it...but take responsibility for the mess you are in, eh?

This smells of Argememnon or whatever...total cyber troll, entertaining in a juvenile and rough around the edges, but still entertaining...but like too much caramel popcorn, you can only have so much of it before you wanta barf.

>seki82 - my advice to you? You are young (assuming this is a real thread and a real problem) get out when you still can learn your lesson early doors. We all make mistakes...*

*refer back to the life history of Britney Spears and first hubby Jason whatizname

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by Momo8... (337 days ago)

Why don't one of you hop on the train and have this out face-to -face?Seki you are in HK and Allyn in Shenzen better to meet and talk about this in private rather than having a cyber fight.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (337 days ago)

I still think this is a chain jerking.

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by clan (337 days ago)

Yes sounds suspect now......it's surely not about money anyway...that was never mentioned as an issue..? It's about communication and support. Your slagging off on line smacks of immaturity.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (337 days ago)

Well they are 24 and 25...if this is for real. I dont remember myself being all too mature at that age, lol! *reaching for zimmerframe*

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by flashback (337 days ago)

... I think I am going to stand on street corners handing out the book "Yes or No: The Guide to Better Decisions" by Spencer Johnson... seems most people who post here have no clue as to how to make a good decision... I'll summarise:
1. Discover the real need or problem
2. Brainstorm options
3. Ask yourself if the options will solve the problem or just complicate it.
4. Ask yourself if I do this, "What then?"
5. Think it through...
6. Test it against your character... can you live with it?
7. Make a better decision sooner rather than later...

My goodness seems like you pair really needed to read this book a lot sooner...

And, allyn23 it is very manipulative of you to post this thread then get your 'husband' to read it... I think you got duped by a certain "Best Friends" Korean Drama thread... Don't believe everything you read on the Internet...

Try honesty and truth, good communication, and oh... commonsense... and most problems can be avoided.

What a mess.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Momo8____ (337 days ago)

Totally agree with Flashback but will add some points:
8) be totally honest with yourself and with your husband.
9) know yourself and what you really want.
10) realise that for every action there is a reaction.
11) you can't run away from the past it wil catch up with you sooner or later.

Internet tit for tat is too much like reality TV you have to meet with each other and solve this.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by maxis (337 days ago)

So how does the husband suddenly appear in this thread eh?

This sounds so much like fantasy and rot.

Presuming it is rot, then they are wasting people's time and concern!

(I am based in Hong Kong)