Help me get over it

Posted by Stephany Cool (343 days ago)

This is ironic. This guy whom i met online, been writing thesis-length emails to me on daily basis(spontaneously), talking abut all sorts of things, we exchanged views and showed strong interests in each other. It kept getting hotter and hotter, until one day, I said(wrote), please call me instead, this writing game is running too long, it started to feel like having to write a long detailed report every day to explain myself, it was kinda tiring, I'd much prefer talking to someone real (and of course later to meet for real too!). No reply for two days, I wrote again asking what was wrong. 3 days later, he wrote back and said nothing was wrong just had been busy. The email ended with "I look forward to shocking you w/ a call." So I waited and waited and waited, nothing at all. Finally had to dial up his number, chatted for a few minutes, became apparent he had no intention of calling me or continuing the correspondence in the first place. What a (self-)deceiving coward.

It's ironic because it was such strong contrast that he seemed so into me all along and all in a sudden lost all interests in me. He was talking to me as if i was an 8 y/o when I called. Please help me get over him. *sigh*

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by My Hong Kong (343 days ago)

Stephany, some people just like to "talk" online and have no intention to take it any further. I guess they try to fill in an emotional void or a mental void. They need the attention and the connection - all human beings need that - but they are not going to meet. Their language is rich. Their thoughts are original and unique. They are smart. They are sensual. They are sexual.

In fact, if they had the intention to meet…they would be more careful with the language they use. They build an imaginary world and they suck you into it. It feels very real. It gives a certain ‘high’. It becomes addictive. It feels so good until frustration and emptiness kick in.

How to get over him? Cut off contact and start talking to someone else. A new man will help to fill in the void. In normal circumstances…the time between starting talking online and meeting should not be long. Once things start lingering…it’s a ‘red light’ that there is a problem.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by maxis (343 days ago)

Agree with My Hong Kong,

There are quite a few of those type of people who are out there.

Regarding internet dating - just send one or two emails, see if you think you may get one, perhaps meet with a few people and if one of them seems worth pursuing further ten go for it!

However, don't try and multi-internet-date if you think someone may be worthwhile as you won't focus on that person enough to really know them, and you will get confused which one is best etc.

cut contact with that loser

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Stephany Cool (342 days ago)

This is my 1st time running into someone like this. How odd. I asked him to meet in my first email and gave him my cell number in the second. No point in talking like pen-pals for weeks and not meeting for real right? He said that he found first few dates very unrevealling, so he'd first write and get to know the girl better. But since he already decided to discontinue, why on earth made promises? It is only frustrating to me.

If you want to discontinue a relation with someone you haven't gotten serious with, will you just give them the silence treatment and leave them on their own to figure it out? Or would you tell them the real thought? Nicely, of course.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by selda (342 days ago)

Stephany,
what you experienced is actually quite common. The Internet attracts all kind of people, and also people who in real life would lack the confidence of dating, for a variety of reasons.
And yet these people yearn for a connection, they enjoy the romantic build-up, even if it might never translate in a physical relationship.

Some men who are active on Internet dating sites have very serious issues, a lot of which are sexual, like impotence, PE, etc.these issues will never surface if they keep the relationship with you on a virtual level, if anything it boosts their confidence.

I had a romantic involvement with someone, lots of emails, phone calls, and nice days out, but for some reasons he shunned intimacy...there was always an excuse, like a sudden business meeting in another city and he had to get up early in the morning. My desire grew as much as my frustration. I really couldn't understand why he would call me, text me, email me like a boyfriend and yet whenever we met it never went further than kissing. Eventually the nature of his problem became apparent. I still wanted to see him, but he withdrew, probably too embarrassed, probably beating himself for something that i didn't even think was an obstacle to our intimacy. But his perception must have been different from mine, who knows how many times he had been shunned by a woman he was interested in, and he probably jumped to the conclusion that i would reject him too.

He never admitted that was the reason he didn't want to see me again, he acted in a passive-aggressive way, always finding excuses for the late reply, missed calls, etc. he didn't have the guts to end it, but made sure i would.

So, don't blame yourself, you didn't do anything wrong, this guy has issues you will probably never figure out.It hurts to lose someone you have such a good connection with, but it's for your own good and peace of mind.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by justin credulous (340 days ago)

"get over him"? Did you even get "to" him? Whats there to get over? The guy's probably one of those narcissistic personality disorder wacko's.

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by momo8.. (340 days ago)

Mmmmmmmmm yes definitely.The guy is great at internet relationships but in real life,NOT.Cyber wakos definitely are isolated and have personality issues,like the inability to communicate outside the net or express themselves other than through writing.
Don't worry about it and move on lots of other well adjusted people out there.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Stephany Cool (340 days ago)

Guys thank you for your opinions.

The thing is, I don't think he's the internet wacko type...he's got a successful career, travelled/worked in different continents, well-read, very bright...Never mind, maybe thinking he's an emotional crippled is better than thinking he's that good and decided I'm not good enough.Moving on.......

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by flashback (340 days ago)

I suppose you need to think of this not in terms of losing 'him' but discovering 'what it was'. The connection - for him - was not with 'you', but your emails.

You haven't lost 'him'... you have just lost time.

There are so many of these guys (and I suppose women too) now... who like some kind of metrosexual enjoy the relatively hassel free flattery and the thrill of the anonymous email buzz...

I refuse to get into extended email contact with people other than my friends and family now because I have found it all too draining. You're giving out a lot of emotional energy, but it really is a form of fantasy.

He's achieved his goal... interested you, and left you wretched and half in love with him without having paid for so much as a cup of coffee.... or shifted from his seat... Man I hate these guys...

Don't blame yourself... It was always just a game... and unfortunately, there are so many others just like you who are prepared to rub electronic emotional salve into these guys egos... Real life is much more satisfying.... Don't be an on-line entertainer for someone who is not prepared to give in reality.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Stephany Cool (340 days ago)

yeah I probably should have listened to my friend at the beginning, that this guy is only an analytic freak, squeazing fun out of reading and analyzing "reports" of someone's personality & hobbies & feelings etc.etc.

I guess I consider it a writing exercise, I feel that my writing has improved :目

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by maxis (340 days ago)

or Stephany now you've done all that typing I hope you have a copy so you can autotext it on someone - much more efficient that original typing!

Many many people use standard replies/text for internet dating - you can alwys tell can't you?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Stephany Cool (339 days ago)

No way, that sounds silly and disingeneous (not you Maxis), I'm no (online) dating machine. I would think, people who I decide to spend time communicating with deserve better, just like I won't accept someone doing that to me, maybe only with the exception of the first email. I mean if the email seems as dry and impersonal as an ad, it'd turn me off.

(I am based in Guangzhou)