Just Best Friends how it hurts...

Posted by Trieste2 (347 days ago)

I’ve got this friend from university days who moved to HK years ago and made it big here…successful career, loads of money, big house, he’s also the most charming, charismatic, gorgeous guy to be around but no we were never ‘an item’ just the best of friends. He treated me like his little sister and we had the most wonderful relationship supporting each other in good times and bad, advising each other in everything ,he was always my rock. I think I knew him better than I knew myself.
We kept in close contact over the years so when I got a job and moved to HK a year ago it was as if all the years evaporated and we were back to our ‘best bosom buddies’ relationship. He took me around everywhere, introduced me to all his friends and colleagues, helping me with many things I had no idea about as I was a newbie to HK. He spent a lot of time and energy on me and I always ribbed him that his girlfriend might get jealous, to which he replied he didn’t have time for one. Now the guy to me seems to have it all so I just assumed he was kidding.
Pretty soon we were hanging out together everywhere seeing each other every weekend and through the week too, many times he would pick me up after work and go out to dinner or we’d meet up for lunch, he’s take me shopping which most guys hate, buy me things to surprise me, invite me over and cook you get the picture.
I told myself there is no way I’m going to fall for this guy and ruin this great rapport between us so this easy going relationship continued for eight months as ‘just good friends’ and NO we never slept together. He’d hug me and kiss me on the cheek but that’s all and that was OK he was my best friend. We’d get teased about it people would ask when we’re getting married that kind of thing and he’d laugh and say 'One day'.
So a month ago he went on one of his business trips and a friend’s husband from the US called me said he was in town and asked me to have dinner with him so I agreed. Turns out this married guy was a sleaze, started hitting on me at dinner and this bar we ended up at and to make things worse some of my friend’s colleagues were there too. I made a quick exit. Next day my friend came back and came to see me, instead of a big hug he was furious with me and acted like I cheated on him. Demanded to know what the hell I was doing with that guy and I tried to explain but he wasn’t having a bar of it. So I got angry too told him ‘We’re just friends, you can date whoever you want and I can date whoever I want’.
This didn’t go down too well. He looked like I just kicked him told me to grow up, said he would take my advice and walked out. Next day the guard gave me a big box of stuff I left at his place. That was a month ago. I have never felt this bad EVER. I’ve been through break ups before but this is different we were never really together well we didn’t sleep together. I realize I was fooling myself and was crazy about him for a long time just always we never took it further. Don’t know what to do, just want to crawl in a hole. He won’t take my calls or reply to my e-mails so I just don’t know what to do.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ji8977 (347 days ago)

Do whatever you can to get him back before it is too late. Seriously.

Knock on his door. Don't do emails and phone calls.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (347 days ago)

Ahem... "I got angry too told him ‘We’re just friends, you can date whoever you want and I can date whoever I want’." ... was probably not the best thing to say as it does sound as though you were hitting on "a friend’s husband"... and thus it appears as though you have broken his trust and faith in you...

It is definately a case of his friends word against yours...

No suggestions other than US friend to fess up but really that is not going to happen so you are going to have to find a way to convince him that what you said was just a reaction to the frustration of him not believing you... if he values your years of friendship then hopefully he will give you another chance to explain once his blood has stopped boiling...

Good luck and do not give up... he obviously means a lot to you and vice-versa.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Trieste2 (347 days ago)

We never slept together everything else was the perfect relationship.He was thoughtful,charming,caring,attentive,always thought of doing things I enjoyed he always made me laugh, we hugged,kisses on the cheek,holding hands so I just thought he was happy with that and I went along with it.No pressure.
Last few months sure there was a certain amount of sexual tension but I dispelled that idea, he could have his pick of women from the ones throwing themselves at him.I needled him about his love life and he'd smile and said he had me and didn't need some high-maintenance,demanding,greedy girlfriend.I have no idea he wanted more and I didn't want to set myself up to be hurt and lose the friendship.Now it's like I'm going through some nightmare divorce I jump when the phone rings,I don't go anywhere anymore,I've had a couple of friends say how sorry they were to hear we broke up,I can't talk to anyone about this nobody believes we were not together in the first place.
I feel like a complete fool I just don't know how he felt about me if anything.If I go knocking on his door and he's totally indifferent...I'm just not ready for that.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by csun009 (347 days ago)

This guy doesn't sound normal to me. Are you sure he is not gay? I guess you guys are not 16.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Trieste2 (347 days ago)

No way gay he was in a long term relationship and some not so serious.He's 34 I'm 32.In our university days he was always with some girl.We just had this special relationship most people can't understand.Just a mutual caring brother-sister thing.
I thought maybe he's not that into me but on a number of occasions in the last few months he stopped himself from kissing me maybe I should have been the one to initiate it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by papa midnight (347 days ago)

Treste, you will be mad to let this get away. Do whatever it takes to speak to this guy. Relationships like this only come along once or twice in a lifetime and it has taken this recent incident for both of you to realise how much you both feel for each other. Don't let it slip away. Good Luck.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ji8977 (347 days ago)

It always gets complicated to work out a relationship with a good friend.

Don't be afraid if he is indifferent. It seems you mean a lot to him and he will not forget it so quickly. I understand the feeling for which I missed someone before. So just go for it and be brave.

Plus, just for referrence: my friend saved her bf (after she ran away from marriage registration) by seducing him in the car. They are happy couple now:-)

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by Blood Diamond (347 days ago)

Get him back before some other woman decides to sink her claws. He obviously has strong feelings for you, way beyond bro & sis kinda thing. He is still angry, thus not picking up calls or replying emails. ji8977 is right, KNOCK on his door. Tell him you two need to talk. Be persistent and he's a gem!

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by justin credulous (347 days ago)

Am I the only one who thinks all this is a bit strange all around? Not just for 30 something year olds but just...woah....I dunno...

Why is he such a good catch to not let get away? Coz he sounds loaded and used to take her shopping? *shrugging shoulders*

What was he waiting for? For you to come to your senses? How the hell does a brother-sister type relationship suddenly become a "love of my life"?

Your friend had a sh*tfit over nothing, you were daft and said "I can date who I want" when talking about a married guy...I mean...what hetro twosome hang out to the extent you two do and not at some point come to the awkward part where you quit acting like teenagers and say what is really up?

Thing is, maybe he is honest about it...maybe he would rather have a hetro-lifemate buddy, one he doesnt have to shag, like a sister even...whom he can spoil every now and then...but who'll keep him company and provide some much needed friendship and respite from the loneliness of his everyday life.

What kind of e-mails have you sent? And have you thought about how maybe you werent really that into him anyway? Or maybe he really did only view you as a sister? If you want to make sure your hunch is correct, if you do really care about him and want him in your life for more than just brotherly love, then I suggest you pull your thumb out, head over to his apartment and tell him you arent leaving his doorway until he has enough respect, for old times sake, and talks to you face to face. Tell him once he has done so then you will be happy to either leave him alone for the rest of his life if he wishes or you two can stop acting like kids and start communicating again. Say very clearly that you didnt do bugger all with that sleazy friend of his and you are really confused as to why you are being treated this way.

Tell him you are sorry to have seemed defensive but really, in the great scheme of things, its an appropriate response when you feels like you are being attacked.

If you are genuinely "in love" with this friend and you have figured it out...not just a "Well, I am 32 and he is really a good catch in all these ways and I could end up kicking myself if I let him get away" then tell him so. Go out to his apartment and tell him you love him and that you want him in your life or at least you want to see where you two can go with that. Thats honesty and you two could either go somewhere with this, or you will learn he really is only up for a sister/hetrolifemate...either call you'll have resolution.

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by poiuy (347 days ago)

Have to agree with JC. You have been good friends for more than a decade. So why not just sit him down and have a heart to heart talk with him? I know you are both mad at each other but the love/friendship/companionship/"brother-sister-thing" of more than a decade didnt just evaporate with one stupid misunderstanding-fight, did it? If it did, I dont think you had what you thought you had with him. Say sorry. Sometime loosing is winning in a relationship. Then explain your side of the story rationally. If he still dosent accept your apology/explanation, what more can you do?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by maxis (347 days ago)

It sounds like a weird relationship anyhow.

You want to sit around for something which would have happened if it was going to?

Be honest with yourself - is that what you want ?

So what if he has a big house and loads of money, move on and dont waste time.

You are ont the first to experience this senario, which usually ends the same way

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (347 days ago)

I agree with your friend Trieste (does that mean sad in Italian?) GROW UP! Go and knock on his door and if that fails burn it down.You have to have it out with him.Don't give up that easily because of a stupid mistake,the way I see it your friend is jealous I mean come on you said he was furious so that means it's beyond the 'just good friends' act for him or he wouldn't care as much and demand an explanation.He's acting like a cheated lover.
He's probably left the ball in your court about making moves out of respect for you/not wanting to move things too fast/whatever reasons he senses maybe you are not ready to take the relationship to the next level......and you did say he stopped himself from kissing you a few times did you want to kiss him back???
Well that should tell you something,and how many guys would spend so much time and energy on someone if they didn't have feelings more than brotherly feelings?I don't buy JC's theory about you keeping him company in his lonely everyday life if as you say many women are on the prowl for him and he's loaded not that money makes any difference as you don't seem to be impressed by that I think?
He also told you what he though about demanding,high maintanence women blah blah well maybe you've been too easygoing.Acting like teenagers definitely.
Get out of your hole and go see him before some money grubbing harpy snatches him!
I also think you have a low self esteem and are pretty insecure in this are you thinking you're not good enough for him?Time to bite the bullet you've been blind,more than likely you're both in love with each other and have been for ages just wasting time pussyfooting hiding around with a 'we're just good friends' act.
Hope you guys work it out and take care.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (347 days ago)

Without going into how you got into this situation - which seems as JC says - unbelievable - seems like you've got three choices to me.
1. Forget him and be philosophic i.e. tell yourself anyone who dumps me without listening to me, and believing me is not a good catch.
2. Go begging for forgiveness... I don't think this is gonna work... He's a bit like Angel in Tess of the D'Urbervilles... had you on a pedestal and once you've fallen off (in his eyes at least) you are no longer the sweet little dairymaid he thought you were.
3. Confront him directly. Tell him that you feel you deserve to be heard out, that you don't deserve to be treated this way, and that you know he's hurt but it's unjustified. Tell him you also are hurting and you need to talk about it. Tell him it's outrageous that he is accusing you of betraying both him and your friend, that whatever else is in the mix here, you won't stand for that kind of accusation, and that he is damning you from his own misguided reading and from gossip. And, add, what gives him that right?

Then later you can tell him about your feelings for him... don't do that first.

You had better do it soon if no.3 is your choice.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by denovo (347 days ago)

It all sounds a bit odd. However the last thing you should do is to go and beg on the guy's doorstep. After all, you have tried to contact him- e mails, calls. The only thing you can do I think, is, as flashback says, just leave it for now.
I wonder whether he went ballistic more so because he feels humiliated/ no face in front of his colleagues who think you two are a proper item and how scandalous than the fact that you had dinner with some guy. I really dunno, it's definitely weird because he hasn't tried to sleep with you. Unless it's a cultural thing of course.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (347 days ago)

I am inclined to agree with you trader Jack... it seems completely illogical and ridiculous, but threw in my 2 cents just in case it was some really stupid kid who had got herself into a mess...

So much just doesn't add up, I'm afraid... I mean, wouldn't you know if you were 'dating' someone...? If it were me, he'd be paying if I were dating... Best friends share... stuff like that...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by denovo (347 days ago)

<just in case it was some really stupid kid who had got herself into a mess...>

She said she was 32 and the guy is 34

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Trieste2 (346 days ago)

It's late but I cannot sleep.Went out with a girlfried for dinner tonight ariund my friend's company hoping I would run into him.Ran into that jerk of an accounts guy who saw me that night instead.He was all commiserating smiles said hello and suggested we should have a drink sometimes.
I mean 'AS IF!!!'
So I sent my friend an e-mail telling him... not really expecting him to reply but he did.Said the guy's a player into girlie bars but not married so if I'm into playboys then go for it!AND to top it all off "I suggest you make the poor bastard wait for eight months to have sex with him like you did with me that way you can find out if he really loves you or not."
That made me really angry but I restrained myself,it was the only answer to any of my explanatory emails about that fateful night I ever got from him.
I sent another one 'please meet me we really need to talk' and he just replied 'busy and you had your chance!'
Drank about three quaters of wine opened that box he sent me from his house full of photos mostly trying to put them into albums.What have I done?He's completely heartless I just want a chance to explain that's all.If he doesn't want to have anything to do with me that's fine.I just have a horrible feeling I'll never see him again.
I know this is a strange relationship I just need some clarification or closure.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by matches (346 days ago)

Go and stand outside his door and wait. Do it every night until he will talk to you. He obviously feels he sacrificed for you, now swallow your pride, don't worry if you seem stupid.. but yes do it asap imho!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Meiguoren (346 days ago)

I agree with the posters who are advising you to try and establish communication and at least convince him to hear you out, then tell him what he means to you. On the other hand, just a word of consolation in case it doesn't work out: if he's this unbending and rigid -- unwilling to even communicate or hear you out -- on this issue, that personality trait would not bode well for a future relationship. Sooner or later there would be some other miscommunication or misunderstanding, and then if he took a heartless or even cruel stance you would be stuck in a heartless marriage. Check out the fairly recent flick Painted Veil for an interesting view of life with a spouse who refuses to forgive.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by justin credulous (346 days ago)

*cringe*

Woah, so this guy thought he was dating you and that you simply were uptight and not "putting out"? And........................you thought you were just friends???

OK...I hate to say this but, its kinda screaming "you're just not that into him".

*shrug*

I mean, which woman wouldnt get that? If you were that into him you'd have seen it 8 months ago! Dont beat yourself up about it. Yeah he has money, yeah he's been good to you, but you obviously werent in to him and you miss the company and probably feel sick to the pit of your stomach that he may get away and you think so many other women desire him so you'd be daft to not see it!

Pfff. He's right, and a bit daft too...you had your chance, you were totally not interested or (as someone else said) pretty insecure and thought he was too good for you...but I aint buying that. If a woman is interested, the invite will be there...8 months? I mean, c'mon. You still havent said anything about you being in love with him or the likes, or whats so great about him personality wise. You seem more hung up on the fact that he likes you. He likes you more than you like him, dont you get it? And he's so uptight and fuming now that he's got this preconceived notion of what and who you are in his head! Hell, he thought you two were dating (and was willing to accept you not putting out), total "pedestal" action! I mean, and there you were thinking you were best mates and you went out for a drink or dinner with his friend! Was that a one on one dinner?

Your friend sounds like he's a bit emotionally/socially retarded too...for all his bling bling and being perched in his guilded cage, eh? I dunno...No point in you getting all mad and calling him heartless, hell, in his eyes you broke is heart! A little empathy to drown the irritation of being completely misjudged...it might help, but I doubt it will right the wrongs.

If he is going to be stubborn about it, let it go. He's trying to make you suffer as you have unknowingly made him suffer. So I suggest you avoid contacting him and just get busy. Maybe send him an e-mail (as you seem to send a lot of them) I mean, if you really love him for who he is and not for the void he filled or the catch that he is...well...then stick that in the e-mail and be honest about you thinking he was too good for you and you didnt think he would like you...Of course if he is in that really bitter mood he will say stuff like "dont flatter yourself" but then you'll know the extent to which he is hurt...and then give him space, dont badger him. If he comes to his senses and calls you, great...but if he comes to his senses and thinks, shucks, I thought I was showing her I was interested in every way and she had no clue? She obviously wasnt into me...and he moves on and dates someone else? Well, cest la vie, right?

Life is all about the right time and the right place...the two of you didnt quite seem to be on the same time page, eh? This was going to come at some point. If you are truly the one for him, he will fight the good fight for love, but you have to make the first move...and honesty wouldnt be such a bad start, either "Hey, I didnt know you were into me, and well...I'm flattered, but I kinda liked you as a friend!" *cue end of relationship or friendship* or "I was too insecure and blind...I didnt think I was good enough for you, why couldnt you have told me in a better way? Why let me know by hurting me with accusations?" *cue the unknown*

Good luck.


PS - getting hammered isnt going to solve your problems, isnt going to make them go away, isnt going to make you more intellegent...so quit feeling sorry for yourself and hurting yourself with booze, hmm kay? C'mon...you're better than that. :o)

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by wakatipuqt (346 days ago)

let's pretend he actually was your boyfriend (as he and your mutual friends thought)and look at his reaction.

On his return from a business trip he heard through the grapevine that you had dinner with a friend's husband. I'm sure this perfectly innocent act would not inspire most boyfriends to react badly...unless you two were making out at the table...most well-adjusted guys would ask, 'how was dinner?' and after hearing about your experience say, 'what a creep blah blah is'...wouldn't they?

...but this information prompts him to accuse you of cheating and not 'have a bar' of your valid explanation...not only does he have no trust in you, he believes you would cheat with your friend's husband and then lie about it! I doubt he ever had you on a pedestal if he comes to this conlusion so easily.

...dont be a character in a bad sitcom where the couple just can't seem to get it together and random obstacles and misunderstandings keep cropping up that keep them apart...find someone who you can communicate with, someone who listens to you and doesn't assume the worst of you.

Do you thrive on drama? Can you handle unpredictable behaviour due to your guy's inability to share his feelings? then, go for it. But if you have had this amount of heartache already, im afraid you were star-crossed (nearly) lovers. Better luck next time!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by authentic_100 (346 days ago)

He's acting rude, inconsiderate and judgmental without really listening to you. Email will not help you get clarity, so do look him up in person. It will give you some clarity.

He's hurt. He may think you were taking your time (8 months or even earlier while at university) so you could validate if he's the right man for you. He thought you'd respect him if he gave you no pressure sexually but I am sure he sent you signals much earlier. He probably felt not acknowledged but then again you laughed together, spent romantic time together etc. But do you really know yourself and what you want? You say you know him better than yourself...mmmm...maybe not. Perhaps you can reflect on what makes you really want to spend time with a person you profoundly love.

Right now you're friend is very upset, feels hurt, feels misunderstood and feels angry. He feels he may be losing you and is seeking attention now. But that he does the negative way and that just spirals down. So go see him but maybe wait a few days so you both calm down. Express what has gone through you the past 8 months and how you saw your relationship together. From what you type about it, I'm missing what you really loved. If you can't articulate that for yourself and only cherished the attention he gave you, then you are missing something and should move on. Follow your heart, but use your brains.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by balzac (346 days ago)

I think the way he is reacting is unfair-bordering on emotional blackmail. If you can't solve a simple thing like this, I can foresee that you'd have bigger 'fights' in the future where he's get angry because of some silly thing and sulk around for ages, refusing to speak to you and making you feel all guilty even when you didn't really do anything wrong.

I am sure you have your reasons for liking him/being in love with him but I can only pick out that emotional bullying aspect that you might want to keep in mind.

I have a friend who went though the exact same situation as yours- good friends for several years, suddenly fell in love, got together and he bullied her throughout their 3 year relationship, and she couldn't see that what he did was unfair as she always was made to 'see' that her actions had been wrong in any particular conflict. He'd sulk and act rude and say insulting things, and she'd scurry around him, trying to placate him even though it was obvious it was a small misunderstanding.

Of course, perhaps your case is a one-off thing and not saying he is the same bully boyfriend as my friend's ex. Just hope you'd nip this in the bud though.
Good luck.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by wakatipuqt (346 days ago)

didn't his all happen a month ago?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (346 days ago)

Very sound advice from the Kiwi and A100. Mmm hmm. *nodding in agreement*

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by zonked (346 days ago)

Either the guy is a jerk or you're one. University and 8 months of meeting so many times a week and both of you could not confess to the other of your love??

There is no love!! Period.
If it was there, he would not have waited for 8 months and something so minor to happen to go into hiding!! He is over-reacting and is not in touch with his feelings. A total disaster.

My suggestion -- if you think you cannot live without this guy and find yourself madly in love with him (suddenly too!!), both of you need to sit down like two grown up (??) mature people and talk.

Good luck.

PS : had been resisiting to write as it is bloody addictive, but this thread just forced me to write my opinion!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (346 days ago)

What a mess (sigh).He's still pissed off with you and is making you suffer.Agree with other posters he's over reacting over this one incident but I also think it goes deeper than that.Now he's on an emotional power trip and in total control of the situation,something he probably felt he couldn't control in those eight months.Before you were the one holding out on him but EIGHT MONTHS???
The way you describe him as being "the most charming, charismatic, gorgeous guy to be around" sounds like you were half in love with the guy from the very beginning.You obviously enjoyed each other's company very much and were more than 'just good friends' all along or why would he introduce you to all his friends and colleagues and that remark about marrying you 'One day'?
Maybe you didn't realise at which point you really fell for him, as you mentioned before "I told myself there is no way I’m going to fall for this guy and ruin this great rapport between us so this easy going relationship continued..."
Well the point is you DID fall for him and brainwashed yourself into thinking "Nah,I'm not good enough for him,he's rich,successfull,can have any woman etc etc.."
By hiding behind this friends stuff you undermined yourself and set yourself up to be hurt without realising it.
Maybe you had all these great memories from your uni days and kept in touch over the years " we had the most wonderful relationship supporting each other in good times and bad, advising each other in everything ,he was always my rock. I think I knew him better than I knew myself."
You were obviously very fond of one another for a long time.Moving to HK in itself was the next level to this relationship.Sure he took you around everywhere that's just friends caring but if it continued for eight months where you were hanging out together as JC said more than the normal hetro buddies hang out you should have realised he thought you were pretty special to him period.He didn't date anyone else did he?
You were everything to him and he feels you let him down big time.Those sarcastic replies to your e-mails were just his defense mechanism kicking in,now he's letting you be the chaser as opposed to being the chasee (is that a word?)
Time is slipping by and you've got to do something QUICK his pride has been hurt and you know what they say about pride coming before a fall...Knock on his door,camp out out on his doorstep,maybe even go to his company and wait for him if you love this guy (and I think you definitely do)You read the wrong signals he was giving you before but it's never too late to change that,I don't believe him saying "You had your chance" everyone should have a second chance if he loves you he will give you another once his silly pride has been salved.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by UP (346 days ago)

I agree with momo, the subtext of what you say is that you are in love with him but scared stiff of presuming too much, (though the signs are clear from him too jealous fits especially)

It could be because you have been friends for so long it seems too big a step for one to make the move and change the relationship. However, my prediction is that this fight has already created the conditions for a change.
Go round to his place sure, but don't waste much time talking

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Peet (346 days ago)

huh.....and I thought that this sort of thing only happens in Korean TV dramas....go figure...

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by nicedelady (346 days ago)

Perhaps it's destiny,think about it -nothing special happened between 2 mature opposite sex.Incredible!It doesnt mean anything that he had girlfriends or something,I just feel he's too special(guess you know what I mean) so what am I supposed to say?!if you cant get him back in your life

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by flashback (346 days ago)

I still don't think this makes any sense....

You say "We kept in close contact over the years ...and we were back to our ‘best bosom buddies’ relationship."... and then "I always ribbed him that his girlfriend might get jealous, to which he replied he didn’t have time for one."

I have to say to you that I have a lot of friends, and not all of them are bosom buddies... but I know each one of their boyfriends and girlfriends, and what's going on in their lives...

Yet... you say... "your girlfriend must be.. blah blah blah... Surely you would know if he had a girlfriend or not... as his bosom buddie...

Look, I think you've been reading too many Mills and Boon... or as someone above notes... practising a plot for a Korean drama...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Trieste2 (346 days ago)

Thanks all for your replies...
Flashback-I always knew about his relationships but not in HK I just assumed in the early stages he had one as he was always surrounded by female colleagues female friends when we were out.But the amount of time we spent together he wasn't seeing anyone else I realised as time went on.
Nicelady-many special things happened and we had some really great times together he took me to Hainan with his sister and her boyfriend and to Singapore on one of his business trips,mamy ,many happy times.
Momo and Peet-I think you are the closest to understanding this.At university I was one of 'the guys,the group' and really think fraternising with one's best friend can't happen that's why I didn't do it.I didn't want to lose the friendship but hell yes I was tempted,the chemistry was there I thought I'd look foolish if I made it obvious I wanted him (and him having a bod like Adonis with a killer smile doesn't help.)I was just really scared we'd become lovers and then we'd break up and nothing.
Zonked-I've 'loved him' for a long time but not in a bf sense how to explain that?I didn't want to be 'in love' with him but somewhere along the line it happened.It's not just because I miss his company (which I do) but many other things.Yes I'm a jerk the longer this no sex thing went on the harder it became to break it.Lots of sexual tension but lots of awkwardness the last on my part.I'm definitely a jerk.
JC-All you say makes perfect sense.Money and power never impresed me or thinking heck I'm 32 he's a good catch.He was a good catch back at uni too when neither of us had money.He always told me one of the reasons he was with me because I was 'real and 'down to earth'he's not emotionally retarded lol he's one of the most open people I know.
Authentic and Balzac-I know he thinks I've played him maybe that I'm a pr$%ck teaser so I can understand why he's angry now after I've had time to have a good think about it.What's there to love about him?Everything and more.I compared many past guys to my friend he was the role model for the ideal guy in my eyes,charming,witty,charismatic,thoughful,always makes me laugh,morally supportive ,makes great paella,all things..it got to the stage when we were thinking the same thing and I'd say it first and he'd say 'hey get out of my mind'.It's not the attention he gave me because it was both ways it was a million little things and crazy impusive stuff we shared,many times he was waiting for me after work and we were driving along and I said 'hey where are we going?Home?'and he'd take me to some special place I'd never been to before.I love his boundless energy and his love of life much the same as I have.He knows what he wants out of life.Guess I was the confused one.
Now it's a stalemate.From his past breakups I know how they went down,he cut off all contact much the same as he is doing now.I'll try to remain phylosophical about it nothing much else I can do though when I finally do see him I'm thinking of throwing myself at him.Ahhhhhhhh getting hammered last night didn't help JC you're right.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (346 days ago)

Agree with those who said you definitely do sound like a Korean drama... or an ad over on personals...

For the attention impaired… what exactly were you thinking for the past 8 months (without hindsight if possible)… for I for one find it very hard to believe that you both could have actually managed not to breech the subject however awkwardly at some time especially as you mention in the above about the ‘crazy impulsive stuff’… Did you never feel that most important thing in love and lust – chemistry?…

IMHO this is just a case of now you have blown your chance with him… you want him… and only because of that… I mean after all what are you going to do without him to look after you?… do you really think feeling sorry for yourself and your (in)action is going to make him mount his white horse and rescue you (again)?… Folk get kinda bored of being used/unappreciated ya know... just what did you contribute to this friendship?

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Trieste2 (346 days ago)

I've never slept with one of my good/best friends before so I don't know what happens when you cross that border.That's why I never entertained the idea it's just a tangled mess I guess and I've been blind and stupid and unwilling to take a risk felt kind of incestuous but there were definitely times....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aulelei (346 days ago)

Trieste - your relationship with your friend reminds me of my best friend in uni too. We had that quasi bf/gf thing just as you described. I knew i loved him and knew that he loved me but it was always the 'unspoken' part of our relationship. I was one of 'the boys' too and we just didnt take it there, we hung out with each other, spoke on the phone, knew the same people just like yours also... But about 6 years into this kind of relationship, we kissed at a party. Although, we were both were drunk it just felt right and good. The dynamics definitely changed although we were both quite slow to acknowledge it - for fear of taking it further? Anyways, to cut a long story short about 2 years after that, we had a go at having a relationship. It lasted about 2 weeks.

It was comfortable and in terms of our friendship with each other, nothing changed. Except for the sex - for some reason we just couldnt get sexual with each other. We would kiss but it just felt awkward doing anything else... And thats when i realized as much as i love him, im not in love with him and neither was he with me. We gradually stopped hanging out as often and then i moved away. Although it was sad, to me i needed to know and to have resolution as to what we had or didnt have. I was willing to put our friendship to the test becos i needed the resolution. And i knew at that point that the fact that we knew each other so well, took the 'spark' out the relationship.

It seems to me that you now need to have clarification as to whether your friend is in love with you - as you are with him. You've always known that he loves you as you did also but kept it 'unspoken'. Nows it needs to be talked about.

Your friend is definitely hurt - i agree with what has been said above and i also think he's hurt because he held you on such a high pedestal. For some reason, he now thinks you've given him reason to think otherwise. Send him an email or write him a letter and tell him exactly what happened and that you miss him and that you would like to see him again. Put the ball back in his court. Let him come around to see you when he has calmed down and sees past his jealousy. Chances are that he's also a little bit embarrassed and doesnt know how to act around you now that the dynamics have changed. How can he explain away his jealousy without saying that he has feelings for you? If he doesnt come around, well then maybe he's got bigger issues that he needs to deal with on his own. Good luck :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (345 days ago)

How long has it been now?Longer than a month.You should have knocked on his door ages ago.Letting this situation get this far is totally destructive and the longer you leave it the worse it's gonna get.You should have been banging on his door soon after he wouldn't take your calls or reply to your e-mails.
Now you're depressed,getting sloshed,thinking what an idiot and a jerk you've been and spiralling in a downward loop and he's still stewing in his anger mode.Definitely a stalemate.
He doesn't want to talk to you by phone or e-mail so you have to go and see the guy.The writing is on the wall honey.You've had time to think this through and analyse your feelings and well,you know his already.
Are you really in love with this guy or is it merely co-dependency and separation anxiety talking here because you haven't been in HK that long to establish other friendships?
You say he's been the role model for what your ideal guy should be like and you go on describing him as your perfect guy.I won't rehash the 'why didn't you take advantage of it' advice but you went to Hainan and Singapore with him and he didn't make a pass at you?I find that stretching the imagination a tad.He probably wanted to change the environment to give you a chance to get naked nudge nudge.
What a combination! He puts you on a pedastul and you idolize him haven't you guys heard about COMMUNICATION? I can't figure this out other.Agree with Aijin it's great drama but you have to break this situation and YOU are the only one that can do it.Sitting at home drinking and thinking about the past and how great this guy is and how you should have done this,said that is not taking any action.Be procative not passive with this.Better do something QUICK it's been toooooooooo loooooooooong already,do something before he moves on and you've lost your chance and your friendship!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Trieste2 (345 days ago)

On the way home from work I was resolved to go over to his place and see him and have it out once and for all, then I saw him across the street, he saw me too and waved I was about to run across the road but then a girl walked up to him.
He looked back at me I swear he shrugged then they walked off. All I could do was stare as people jostled around me I must have stood there for about ten minutes.Well guess I got my answer.No point going to see him or trying to call him now.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cute_sense (345 days ago)

Keep your beautiful chin up and move on, My Dear Trieste :-) Don't go demanaging your health by drinking - that will not. Do something constructive and positive. Time to be optimistic. You're a smart girl. Good luck and take care. I'm flying off to France on Monday and I wish i could bring you along to take your mind off this unhappy event..........

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Trieste2 (345 days ago)

Thank you cute sense France or anywhere but here is a great idea by this stage.I had a glass of wine with dinner but that's all just too tired these days I can't sleep well at night.
His sister called me just now, she’s my age, we’re close friends we all shared a house together in our uni days. Asked how everything was going in HK how are ‘we’ told her there was no ‘we and never was’ and the whole sordid story came out.
She also said that since I moved to HK all he did was talk about me and the whole family thought it was great and about time and everyone was so ‘happy for us’.
Well I was crying on the phone and she wanted to know what happened so I told her she said she would call him. I asked her not to do that said I give up he’s got somebody else now and I told her I had nobody to confide in burst into tears again and told her I’ve been posting on a website for advice.
She told me to pull myself together and what website wasn’t sure I wanted to expose myself that much but I trust her and everything is just awful. I don’t know, it was a horrible day seeing him with someone else I'm mentally exhausted so I broke down and told her I’d e-mail her the link which I did and now I regret it but what the heck it’s good therapy to write.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pink Tulip (345 days ago)

i'm sorry... i guess it's time to move on


it brought tears to my eyes ... sad...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aulelei (345 days ago)

hi trieste, well he waved at you so at least you know that he hasnt totally written you off. I just seems such a waste of a great friendship to throw away on misunderstandings and assumptions. as much as you need to know that its over, i also think you need to tell him how you feel (or felt?) all this time. i just hope that he doesnt become the one that you feel 'got away'... still pursue a chat with him. Its not too late but its nearing there. hope it works out... so sad. have sent you a PM also.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by authentic_100 (345 days ago)

Trieste- Consolation. You are going through an emotional roller coaster. You may have avoided a long term problem by him giving you the cold shoulder and having to break up now. Go relax by doing things you have not done in a long time, explore and be challenged. Ask yourself if are feeling insulted or challenged by rejection? Be proud of who you are, laugh, shine, look great, speak your mind, be controversial or pleasing, you'll attract many. Marrying whom you believe 'is' your best friend could have been fatal. Don't believe that marrying whom you believe is your best friend is the ultimate. Cut your losses, go party, have a glass of wine. A lot of people care about you

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by you're joking (345 days ago)

actually tressie u sound very immature and u should have known thiese things or sensed them. u have youself to blame in a lot of ways and serve yourself right. fancy going out with another u knew was a sleeze and then going out with him after knowing what he is and tried on u? well pretty stupid actually. so u lost and good luck to the person who u "have been friends with etc etc" as he is also quite silly but at least better than u! take this as constructive criticism and from a person with experience in life.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cute_sense (344 days ago)

Dearest Trieste :-)
TOTALLY IGNORE WHAT "YOU'RE JOKING" HAS POSTED.
Nobody is perfect and life is a learning process and we learn from our mistakes (we regreted those mistakes, not proud of those actions and wished we could turn the clock back!) in order to grown and become a better person.
Hey! Girl! You didn't loose him! He's the one that miss out on you and you didn't sleep with him be proud of that and value it.
I thought he was rather mean to tease you by waving at you and then walking away with another girl. If he's aim is to chant a gril and take her to bed easily, let him be as he isn't worth it.
You have cried enough, My Dear - TIME FOR HEALING! SMILE! LAUGHT! You're still young and the sun is still smiling at you everyday. There are plenty of caring and loving people around.
You have done your part to save the friendship/relationship. It takes 2 hands to clap to make it work. If he doesn't want to give you his hands he is the one that has the problem not you, My Dear Trieste. Move on a creat your own happiness.
Take care of yourself. Have a long rest and wake up refreshed and SMILE :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by UP (344 days ago)

Trieste. You realise the best friend will read this thread now don't you? Not sure if that is a good or bad thing. Of course it means that he will have "heard" your side.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (344 days ago)

How do you know that the other woman wasnt just his new best friend? Just coz the person he walked off with is a woman doesnt mean they are an item. And how good a friend can his sister be if she didnt tell you 8 months ago that her brother liked you?

I am getting fairly sceptical about this whole story. "people jostled around" you? Your choice of words really make this all seem like a korean soap. Honestly, let go of the drama and move on. He's right, you had your chance...you missed the boat. Cest fini!

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by wakatipuqt (344 days ago)

dont worry trieste...ross and rachael got together eventually...well, kinda...she had his baby and then dated joey...what ever happened with rachael and joey?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by you're joking (344 days ago)

what's your problem cute sense. u sound like a PC pedant! I TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH YOUR PEDANT POST!! i stick by what i said and say this is a silly girly thingy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (344 days ago)

Some say tomayto some say tomaaaahtoh! Chill, people! Its only one more day to Friday, lah! Om Shanti!

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by cute_sense (344 days ago)

Ha! :-)

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Peter KC (344 days ago)

Trieste2, lot of time has been wasted already, it does you no good if you just sit and talk ...... just go and grasp him back before it's too late or move on !!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (344 days ago)

I'm reaching for the Kleenex...no,not just yet.Seeing him with some girl doesn't mean anything,they were in the street not smooching in some bar lol!OK so you were shocked but you are vulnerable right now and are jumping to the wrong conclusions.On an emotional roller coaster as Authentic pointed out.
Be strong and smile this isn't the end of the world you're just in the relationship purgatory and this phase will pass,believe me.Treat it lightly not like the guy has ripped out your heart and stomped on it,come on be brave,and 'pull yourself together'.
Actually if dream boy is reading this thread it could work to your advantage seeing you two never actually sat down and discussed your feelings for each other.....AND.....both of you have been acting like a couple of teenagers,sorry.Oh and if you two eventually do work things out you owe me a drink.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Trieste2 (344 days ago)

He called me with “Hello Trieste, so how’ve you been? I missed you, are you busy tomorrow night? Want to meet up? We need to talk.” Short and sweet and since my cover is blown…are you reading this honey?..... see you tomorrow.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (344 days ago)

Well... seeing as 'Friend' is reading this...may as well ask him to post his side of the story...

We're all completely befuddled by this, sweetheart... How the (you-know-what) did this happen? We can't get a straight word out of Trieste... it's all, "to which he replied", and "I must have stood there for about ten minutes.. "How've you been?" [Well, don't you know?] You know what I mean... you've been dealing with it for years...

How about it? Put us all in our place. Tell us how much you really love her...

We really want a happy ending here... or just an ending.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (343 days ago)

Happy endings we appreciate and I will pass the Kleenex... and the rubber gloves... however this is really a case not even of a deus ex machina...

anyone else think that this plot is getting a little (raises eyebrows) on the nose… cue sweeping symptomatic melody… tears... remote control...

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by JaiD (343 days ago)

Flashback mate,she's the most exasperating,elusive and infuriating woman I know but she's also the most amazing woman I know that's why I love her.Last couple of months she nearly drove me around the bend.
Mate and all the others,I'm not going to go into the nitty gritty stuff the 'why' or the 'what' here,don't have the time or the gift of the writing gab to satify the curious.
Let's just say the blame lies mainly with me for not being upfront and direct from the very beginning and she's to blame for acting like a kid every time I tried to get serious.Leave it at that!
Should have pulled her pants down and smacked her bottom,might do that tonight anyway :)
I'm going to print a transcript of this "Trieste" and if you meant everything you wrote here well maybe we can give it a shot and have a wonderful future together.
Cheers to all! Jay

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by UP (343 days ago)

'ray Jay!

Can we all come to the wedding??

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by JaiD (343 days ago)

:) mate if it took her this long to figure things out I reckon by the time I get her to the altar I'll be an old man.I'm printing this out so she can't run away from the truth mate,this time I've got it in bloody writing :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (343 days ago)

Awww...now I got a case of the warm fuzzies! Good luck you two! :o)

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by UP (343 days ago)

Absolutely JC! Korean soap or not this thread has everything; the slow burn, brother sister role play, mistaken scenarios, jealous rages, tears and now the climax (oops)
You know what to do Trieste, take your punishment like a woman!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wakatipuqt (343 days ago)

hhmmmm...yeah, it was a fun ride but the characters weren't believable enough for me to suspend my disbelief and the plot was a little melodramatic for my taste...but I do love a happy ending.
good on ya mate!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Ed (343 days ago)

Please note this is not a chat room - its an advice forum. If you want to meet people the personal is the place or use the messaging system

thanks

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (343 days ago)

I'm speechless..
Wishing you the best in love and life,pass the Kleenex Aijin!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cute_sense (343 days ago)

Wow! Maybe they'll go to France for their honeymood :-) Joyful for them :-) All the BEST to them :-)

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (343 days ago)

pass the bucket more like...

Eagerly awaiting the next installment… not enough drama in any of this yet… and not even an antagonistic new girl or boyfriend… no illegitimate offspring staking their claim to the families fortune… nor accidental pregnancies and subsequent miscarriages… terminal illnesses… not even a car chase… how about after our hero and his long lost love have consummated the relationship it actually turns out that they are Sister and Brother separated at birth by the evil stepmother and her clandestine lesbian lover the Fathers mistress… and of course the pre-requisite climax staring agentA, fruity folk and a gunfight at the Canton compound…

Anyhows best of luck and do keep us posted…

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by momo8.. (343 days ago)

Aijin you crack me up but too true!

Trieste should have started this thread a month ago but alas we've been robbed of a good story by the 'deus ex machina' in the guise of AsiaXpat and the power of the net lol.
Alas life is stranger than fiction and no chance for poor agent A to step in with Meaty from the Fantasy thread,Scrambled Fruitcake and a f*ck buddy on the side et all... for added spice.

I do have a question though,to JaiD,if you didn't read about this here what would you have done about poor Trieste?

Oh well..the day is not over yet so maybe it will take another twist but sincerely wish them luck in love and life again!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by twh (342 days ago)

Can't believe this forum helps (sort of) re-connecting two broken hearts,high five. Wish you two good luck and ya...do keep us posted.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (342 days ago)

Jaid mate! What a blooming relief, digger... Yes... no more beating around the bush on your part, or, on her part, acting like a stunned lizard that can't tell the temperature's rising till there's a sudden change of season...

Yes... give it a shot, son... I mean, go for the gold... hit it for six and all of that.... Yes, now you've got the goss on her, you're in the driver's seat...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by 2006gp (342 days ago)

you know....this guy....maybe he is just waiting for you to make the first move. some guys are good at friends with girls most are not. you knew this guys was more than your friend ...i suspect you want more from him as he wants from you....so....JFDI just f####ing do it

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by authentic_100 (342 days ago)

good luck and enjoy the moment together Trieste and JaiD!!!

Besides the lovely romantic ideals everyone here seems to hope for, start a thread about what you actually talked about and then what you'll follow through on...filtered from the nice wine you probably enjoyed..seriously, nice to see this forum bringing you together. have sex, enjoy lustfully :)

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Trieste2 (333 days ago)

I want to thank everyone for their advice,just to let you all know that everything worked out and we moved in together this weekend.
In the great scheme of things it was a natural progression.
I've been on a mental high this week and I've learnt my lesson in life about the importance of communicating your feelings...we laughed and we talked about many things too many to list here authentic 100,and we made many plans for the future.

Everything feels so right like it was meant to be.Sorry no Korean cliffhanging drama plots to end.

So finally I have to give credit where credit is due:

CREDITS (In order of appearance)

JI8977,Aijin (partly perpetual), CSUN009, Papa Midnight, Blood Diamond, Justin Credulous, Poiuy, Maxis, Momo8, Flashback, Denovo, Matches, Meiquoren, Wakatipuqt, Authentic 100, Balzac, Zonked, UP, Peet, NiceLady, Aulelei,Cute Sense,Pink Tulip,You’re Joking,Peter KC,
Twh,Ed and 2006qp.

To new beginnings will keep you all posted and many thanks to all of you.Basta l'amore!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetually) (333 days ago)

Well let me be to the first to congratulate you and Lewis Hamilton!…

The High School sweethearts Hollywood Road happy ending honeymoon period doth begun…

Now sweetie co-habiting let alone a relationship also means reading all those signs that you were having problems with… he will be cranky at times, you will find out all of them there infuriating quirks and enter a whole different ball game… You will need patience and big blinkers and both of you are going to have to learn a lot and obviously quickly or else this could disappear as quickly as Aulelei’s dream did… Anyhows that is all logistics and after all actually wanting and desiring to make something work will enable all the effort involved as will optimism…

Genuinely I am pleased that two folk have found each other and that is all and more.

Best of luck for the future and enjoy the meantimes…


*Amore regge senza legge…*

(I am based in Unspecified)