Just keep busy....

Posted by mrs o (419 days ago)

Well, long and convoluted breakup with the father of my child (my newly ex husband) and miserable not because he was a wonderful man and I miss him (he was rather hideous to me, suffice to say he was constantly rude and disrespectful and sometimes violent), but because I feel sad for my little one that she doesnt have a normal family life. Yeah - heard it all - better out of a violent home than in one, needs a good eg in front of her for her own self esteem, etc, etc... I guess it was a waste of my time (eight years). I have a wonderful child whom I wouldnt trade for the world but I cant help feeling flat. Friends say "keep busy"... What? Polish silver? It just doesnt seem to fill the void. There shouldnt really be one - we split a year ago. Maybe it's the anniversary blues.. Need to add that I see him regularly because of the little one and he is always either so down, rude, disrespectful, angry or plain indifferent. There is never any joy in seeing us - like it's a chore and duty. Dont expect cartwheels, but he is such a miserable sad sack that I cant help but be dragged into his black hole. Any suggestions my fellow xpats?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (419 days ago)

Ouch… you need to smile sweetie… and soon… and ya will…

You also need to find something to smile about… and soon… and ya will… tis as easy as opening those eyes that know how to sparkle and looking around you… seeing things for what they are… feeling things and embracing the diversity of it all…

I understand that you will get more much needed support and again a few clichéd but true responses and that really is all you need at the mo…

You fell in love with the right man but not mr Right if such do exist… he awoke something within you and within him and neither of you knew or know what and it has resulted in your mutual situations… he reacts you react and a perpetual cycle endures… however in the meantime in the goodtime you bred thus maintaining the succession… but you have to find a way to get out of this… life deserves better than bad feeling and so do your mutual responsibilities…

Change your attitude and change you life… after all nobody can change another and would you want to?… one part of your life is over but a whole new life is there and yup with all the baggage you have accumulated by hey that’s life…

So polish the silver not apples… it is actually quite therapeutic… it is a beautiful metal and was crafted into something beautiful and as you carefully rub away the tarnish it will reflect a beautiful image… you… and love care appreciation dedication hope whatever and you never know maybe a genie will appear…

Good luck.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by StarryStarryOne (418 days ago)

Detach yourself from him. I know it's hard, but I believe he's dragged you down enough as he drowns, you should consider being good to yourself.

It's his choice whether to come out of the black hole, apparently he's not doing it for you, for your child, or himself.

You lead different lives now, you have to stay strong and positive for yourself and your child. You owe it to yourself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by billybally (418 days ago)

I experienced a separation myself and it took me a year and a half to feel good about it, even though I was the one who initiated the separation.

It took me a year before the stress wasn't a constant that I carried around with me at all times, and another six months before I could put my wife's own 'sad sack' behavior into context.

Why am I telling you this? Because things will get better. Because, even if you initiated the separation, it takes a hell of a long time to come to terms with it and put it in context, but it will happen and eventually you'll get back to a more balanced view and feel more optimistic about the future.

And as to your kid... don't worry. There is no such thing as a 'normal' family life. You still have every opportunity to raise them and guide them as you would wish.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by billybally (418 days ago)

Oh, and until nature takes its course, and you do start to get back to balance, I think it IS just a case of keeping busy. Maybe not polishing the silver, but seeing people, getting (physically) fit, working... and pushing through. These things are not the answer themselves, they just keep you occupied until you've put everything in its place (so to speak). Does that make sense?

(I am based in Hong Kong)