Just barely a year of marriage...

Posted by RoseOil (446 days ago)

We'd been married for about 1.5 years when he confessed that he'd had an affair. To make it worse, the other woman had fallen pregnant. It was not a one night stand - they'd been seeing each other for a while. He now wants to come back to me. Should I forgive him and take him back?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (446 days ago)

NO.

When I first replied to this I just put 'no' however to stop Ed from deleting me for using the place like a chatroom, I feel I should elaborate.

Respect yourself. If you stay with a man who cheats on you, you are saying to the world that all you deserve is a cheating lying scumbag. Would he have told you about this other woman if she didn't get pregnant. Why did you find out about?

Further down the line, he will know you're the forgiving type and he will do it again and again.

Respect yourself, and show the world that you deserve better than this!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by 82280 (446 days ago)

i am a hopeless romantic. I don't believe in having principle while in a relationship. Thus maybe the reason I get walked all over all the time, ha

If you really love him, find it in your heart to forget. Forgive is harder than forget.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Aulelei (445 days ago)

No. He may love you , but he obviously doesnt respect you enough to make a commitment. Leave him to his own mess. Forgive him of course, so that you can move on. But never forget, so that it will not happen again.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Kate71 (445 days ago)

Oh you poor thing. What a horrid thing to happen and such a dilemma for you.

No one can answer this for you - but it may be useful to ask yourself some questions:
do you still love him?
why did he cheat?
why does he now want to come back?

if you do still love him and you consider taking him back - then know that it will be a long process before you can get to the stage of trusting him again - make sure he's committed to doing the work, and don't let him move straight back in as if nothing's happened - take it slow, date and you decide whether or not you want to invest more time in the relationship

good luck

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by glowingesperasza (445 days ago)

Hi Roseoil, from personal experience it didn't get better for me. My allowing him to come back only enabled future interactions. He knew I would eventually soften and take him back, which I usually did. I finally up and left but my son is older now and can understand what had gone down and why I chose to leave. Never an easy decesion but if you decide to stay I would definitely at least separate for a bit just to prove to him that you mean business. Maybe that will make him think twice in the future. Good luck

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (445 days ago)

Dont take him back, it may end up being good for a while but it will still end in the future. You will never be able to trust him again and the pain will be a constant reminder.

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by Aijin (part whatever) (445 days ago)

Have to agree... he made his choice and made his bed... let him lie there... and you may find that the reason he wants to come running back to you is because she does not want him anymore.

Best of luck and please think about the future not the past.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by RoseOil (445 days ago)

I have since discovered that she wants to cut him out of her life and does not want him near the child. But when he decided to come back to me, it could have been before she made this decision.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by goldenleaves (445 days ago)

To be honest, I'd want to cut this man out of my life and not let him near my child too!... Gosh.... Think about it! He had a wife that he couldn't be faithful to, why should it be any different for his mistress? She's wised up... you should too.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Meiguoren (445 days ago)

Wow. Right now she doesn't want him near the child, but wait until she figures out how much $$ the little fellow is going to cost. I'd say run from this relationship before you find yourself pregnant too or trying to explain to your own child why your husband treats you like a dishrag.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by goldenleaves (444 days ago)

Yes... he will probably still have to pay...even though he may not have any influence over this child's life... There are lots of ramifications down the track for both his mistress and him, and you if you stay with this man.

I don't usually give advice to end marriages, but in your case, it SEEMS rather clear cut. This guy was never in the marriage with you. He has had a long term affair already, which means for most of your short marriage (if not all), he has been living a double life.

It SEEMS from this distance, that you do not really have a marriage... or even a relationship...you have a marriage certificate.

You sound young, and hopefully relatively unscathed from this. My advice would be, let this fellow go now while you can get out. He will do this again. He is not committed to you. You will lose a lot, lot more later if you don't do it now. You have a good chance now to live a good life again if you can get 'clean' away now, before, as the others have said, you have children of your own.... Think about the lifetime plan... this guy is not ready for you... or anyone... at the moment. And this is why it can't even work with the woman he risked everything he had for, and now who is bearing his child.

He is a classic case of what I call a 'life complicator'... this man will bring all sorts of disasters upon himself... and you... until he gets himself worked out... which may be never..

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by BMW 330i (444 days ago)

Should have thought about it with his head instead of his dick int he fist place. I would not have him back. Cheat you once, will cheat you again.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by dontknowwhattodo (444 days ago)

Rose Oil, you mean the woman is actually having your husband's baby...

Would you have felt any better if he had got her pregnant but made her abort the baby for your sake??

I went through a similar experience hence curious.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by gui (444 days ago)

why would you want him back?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dontknowwhattodo (444 days ago)

easy... she is insecure. And of course as he says he loves her.

The other woman was just a mistake....

But I atleast give credit to the guy for having the courage to own up to everything and letting the woman have the kid.

I'm sure he knows it won't be easy for him but he is ready to face the repercussions of what he caused.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Mrs Miggins (444 days ago)

I think you should leave him and not look back. He has more with her, than he has with you. What if she decides that next week she wants him? He'll be abck and forth between the two of you.

Move on, find someone new who's not got previous.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by csun009 (444 days ago)

Dontknowwhattodo said: "Would you have felt any better if he had got her pregnant but made her abort the baby for your sake??"

Does the guy have the right to ask the woman to abort the baby? I am curious to hear from the expert.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dontknowwhattodo (444 days ago)

Who're the experts here??

Well, my guy literally forced me to! And there was so much pressure from him that I lost my ability to think. I gave in. I deeply regret that decision and will feel this way all my life. I hate him for it and I hate myself too as I really wanted that baby. I should've have done something to keep her. Not a day passes without these thoughts.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by gui (444 days ago)

Dontknowwhattodo - DON'T EVER look back with regret. There is nothing to be served by it. I feel for you. It must have been a really hard decision for you. I personally do not for a moment believe the man has any say in the matter, but unfortunately there will be men out there who will demand such things for their own selfish needs.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (444 days ago)

Oh hey wait, gui. Having a baby should be the concent of both parents. I think dontknowwhat's situation is terrible! No one should be forced to do anything, but you need both parents to agree on having a baby. A child deserves to be born into the world with two parents who love it, even if they don't love each other. I don't believe anyone should be forced to have a child they don't want, or to get rid of one they do, but it should be both parents, not just one.

In England there was a case recently about a woman who'd had cancer, and she couldn't concieve naturally anymore. Before the cancer, her then husband and she froze some embrios. She and the husband broke up, but she still wanted to use the embrios to make a baby. The husband said no. She appealed to the highest court in Europe to get the embrios, and she lost the case. The ruling was that both parents should want a baby, because a baby is the responsibility of two adults, not just one.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dontknowwhattodo (444 days ago)

Yes, I believed the same too, qui... but sometimes when you find no support at all, you're scared and end up doing things you don't want to. I should have sought support from someone else. I depended totally on him to love me and support me in that but unfortunately he did not show any of it. Only contempt and even much later actually compared my pregnancy to a disease... he never once considered that baby to be his flesh and blood too. That pains me even today though we're not even together.

He made me weak when I needed strength. Not many men can do that to me... rather he was the only one!

And I do look back in regret as I still feel I wanted that baby... she would've been one soon.... sh*t, I hate to go that way.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dontknowwhattodo (444 days ago)

Pupalicious, what if you find yourself pregnant and the guy for his reasons doesn't want the baby but you want her???? Will you abort the baby because the father is unwilling to have her??

I have not heard any such case going to courts... but if it did am not sure what the ruling would be.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by gui (444 days ago)

Don't want to hijack the thread from RoseOil's situation, but specifically in response to Pupalicious, the situation is completely different where the biological father is pressuring the woman to terminate the pregnancy, and the woman does not want to. If he does not want the child, he has no say and cannot force/pressure her to terminate. In this situation, I don't believe it should be a joint decision because there will never be consensus. As to whether this changes if the couple were husband and wife, I honestly don't know.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (444 days ago)

dontknowwhat, your situation sounds terrible, I totally sympathise. The man sounds like a total sh*t and no one deserves what you went through, and my heart goes out to you.

If I got pregnant tomorrow, I know my boyfriend wouldn't really want a baby in this time of his life, and he would ask me to go to a clinic. I spose I'd listen to his reasons, lack of money, lack of perminant place to live, instability in his career, not being able to provide a proper home, being to immature to look after a child properly, things like this, and I'd probably realise he was right.

Did he tell you his reasons? I'm so sorry for you dontknowwhat, but I do think both parents have the right to decide together what to do for their child. I think the man has just as much right as the woman to decide what happens to it.

I do think the decision should be mutual, and in your case it wasn't, and I'm truely sorry for that.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by naima (444 days ago)

Try to look at the bigger picture once you decided to have him back. I dont think its the best option.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by goldenleaves (444 days ago)

I'm not up on the abortion laws here in Hong Kong, but in most countries where abortion is permitted, it is usually only done if the mother claims or has a doctor who will attest to, the fact that having the child will put her in severe psychological danger.

It is completely outrageous for a man to force a woman to have an abortion. There are notable criminal cases - in the US particularly about a star football player who killed his pregnant girlfriend because she was 'inconveniencing' his life with a child... and of course Scott Peterson.... and oh... it is terrible but true that over one third of pregnant women are beaten by their husbands or boyfriends..... Women are very vulnerable while pregnant...

Anyway...dontknowwhattodo there is grief counselling available to women who have had abortions, and it may be a step to help you be able to handle this if it is troubling you this much.

Roseoil... the woman wasn't a 'mistake'... no one makes a long term 'mistake' like this...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dontknowwhattodo (443 days ago)

Hey girls, I did not need such drastic/aggressive views....

I love the guy very dearly and that is the only reason I wanted to have that baby... it was not just any baby... it was his baby I wanted when I found myself pregnant.
What hurt and pained me was his attitude did not match mine though even he claimed to love me. Even if he did not want the baby, he did not show any emotions or love that I had expected from a man who loved me. And he knows that.

I do regret the decision and will always do mainly because I loved this man more than anyone else in my life. Even though there is a lot of hatred, the love was/is even more than that! Love exceeds hatred and that is troublesome when there're issues.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ImSoBored (432 days ago)

Hate to tell you .. but you need to let him go. Don’t try and keep him and do not take him back.
1. He may love/care for you but he is not “IN LOVE” with you.
2. Loving a person is putting them first and thinking about what would hurt their feelings.
3. Being in love is never having to say you are sorry for something like what he did.
4. You will never forget what he did to you.. and the pain it caused and so you can never really forgive him. I mean give me a break it is not like you were married for 20 yrs and he wanted to feel like he was desirable or something and it was a one night stand (which is still not acceptable).
5. The fact that you will never forgive means you will constantly bring it up (when the shock eventually wears off, after say 6 months). Then he will become pissy and act like you are crucifying him.
6. The fact that he has a child will always be there as a reminder of how he has hurt you.
7. You will never trust him the way you did before.. and that will take your relationship to another level that is really not worth it to you.
8. Things that you never gave a second thought to will now become very suspicious. Phone calls, meetings, staying late. Think about it. He did this without you knowing.. how will you know when he does it again?

Sure he may have learned his lesson, and sure he may never cheat again… but guess what.. the fact that he did it period. Means he can do it again and quite frankly, you deserve much better than that. Let this be HIS lesson learned in life.

(I am based in Kuala Lumpur)

Posted by Thames (431 days ago)

RoseOil, I'm wondering why the pregnant mistress doesn't want your husband to be part of her baby's and her life. Maybe she has realised early on in their 'relationship' that it was a big mistake and he simply isn't worth the pain. If I were you I'd make the decision to start building a new life without him too. It will be difficult but entirely possible, and your life will be far more rewarding - go for it!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by juji (425 days ago)

1.5 years and already cheating?

Scumbag!

Is happy to father a baby and have not part it the child/human being's life

Double scumbag!

You taking him back?

Accepting that he is a scumbag and will continue to be one.

I never understand this type of thing. Perfectly gorgeous, attractive, intelligent women who accept less than loyal, respectful behavior from the men in their lives and then marry them and then accept that they are cheats.
I just don't get it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by RR123 (406 days ago)

Here's a perspective from the "other side". After telling me for months that he was in love with me and that he wanted to be with me, the first thing he did when I told him I was pregnant was to run back to his wife. Did it hurt? Like h*ll. Was I angry? Like you'd never imagine. Did I regret being with him? YOU BET. Did I regret keeping my child? Not for a moment. After the initial shock had worn off, and I had time to think things through, I was glad he returned to his wife, and I am glad he is out of our lives. Yeah, sure I regret that I was naive and stupid enough to believe him, but looking back, I am happy I had a chance to start life afresh with my child, and without having to deal with the likes of him. So yes, I can see why the pregnant mistress in your case wanted your husband out of her life and that of her child's.

As for you, RoseOil, I can only hope that if you decide to take your husband back, that you do so for the right reasons. Do not take him back unless you are certain you can eventually forgive AND forget totally....

(I am based in Singapore)