Feeling v. depressed

Posted by HK Lady (402 days ago)

I'm already 38 1/2 yrs old. Broke up wiht my ex 2 yrs ago, and till now still can't find a man.

Feeling v. depressed...bcz setting up a family with beautiful and lovely kids are my dreams and major goal of my life.

However I 'm still single now...seem running out of time to do this.

Feeling v. depressed.

My sis introduced me a man, but I had totally no love feeling with him. But my sis called me day and nite to date him or chase him so that I could have a chance to get married and bear baby before 40. Otherwise I have no chance to have a baby in my life.

However I really don't think I want to live with him and spend my life with him just for having baby. But if not going for him, the chance of having baby in my life is really slim.

I 'm facing a dilemma: marrying a man I don't like to have a baby or just being single and taking the risk of not having a baby for my whole life. But setting up a family and having baby is alwasy my dream.

I don't think I'll be happy with him. Esp he earns one-third the salary I did. But I'm not a high salary earner already. Not bcz I 'm marrying to money. But a finance problem should be faced after marrying him.

As he's living in US. All ppls know that HK working experience won't count in North America. So I'll be jobless marrying him while he only earned one third of the salary I'm earning in HK.

I felt v. depressing

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Meiguoren (402 days ago)

Sorry this has happened to you. I think your feelings are normal, as this is forcing a crisis of everything you believed in and thought your life would be. However, I think you are right to listen to your better judgment; I also think your sister is wrong to push you with a man you're not attracted to. And wow, even assuming he were attracted to you (which you don't know) to give up everything you have and move to the USA do do this? No way! I understand the biological clock. But actually, keep physically fit and you may have a few more years. Women are having babies now at much older ages than they used to. On the other hand, you have to begin to come to grips with the idea that "it" may not happen. It's not worth it to go into a relationship purely to get a baby, being a single parent really doesn't sound great either. I suggest you try to think of creative ways to satisfy that need for "having a family" means. There are options like adoption, long term mentoring, foster care, being a really great auntie, or volunteering in schools or even hospital nurseries. One of my friends volunteers in a hospital to hold and rock babies who have to stay there for a long time.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by hoyo (402 days ago)

don't get marry with someone you have no feeling just to have a family. if he's super rich, you could consider but 1/3 of your not too high salary? no feeling+no money = excellent recipe for failure in no time!
but don't feel depressed, if you want to have a baby, you can have. get a sperm donor and have your baby alone. it's better being a single parent than being with someone you don't love.
don't care about the social pressure, ie, family with kids etc.. it's good if you can have it, it's also good if you don't have as long as you have your baby.
hey cheer up, and besides, 38 is not old at all, you just start to live your live.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Cruz (402 days ago)

Sorry to hear you have not found Mr Right. As many will tell you, you are not alone. But that's cold comfort when you want something so much.
If you look at yourself honestly, what's more important to you - the baby or the whole package ?
These days you can have a baby without a partner. How you deal with that is not easy, but look into it if that is what you really want. Better to be a happy single mom than suckered into a miserable relationship that will be unfair to you and any baby you may have.
Be honest with yourself, make a plan and don't jump to desperate conclusions. Try dating agencies, for example.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to absolutely not do nothing. Think of all the options you have and pursue them with passion. The worst situation right now is to have not tried at all. Get busy and good luck !

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by HK Lady (401 days ago)

My sis and my mom called tonite respectively telling me that I have no time to wait, must go for this guy, and otherwise no choice.

The guy is 40 yrs old, and my mum said "he's already v. nice, and doesn't mind ur late 30s already. Guys at 40 could still choose the 20s...blar blar blar.."

Unfortunately what they said might be true. I called a matchmaking agency today. They said I was at this age, difficult to give me a match and the guys at 40s or late 30s only like 20s or early 30s. And they won't accept my application unless I joined other package (less cost savings ones). For the services of offering activities to singles, their max age for joining those activities are 38.

What shall I do?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by idingstay2 (401 days ago)

HK Lady, why not just further your career and make more money and then move up the social ladder?
Marrying someone you do not love is just the worst possible scenario.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by HK Lady (401 days ago)

I felt v. much depressed and felt v. much worried with my future.

Spending my life with a man I don't love, plus the financial difficulty being with him - is difficult to accept

But being single or even I could marry but at a v. old age being not able to set up a family with kids - also difficutl to accept.

The only solution to be happy only I can find a man I love before 40. But I 'm not optimistic to this chance. The competition is too keen out there. Even I go to those AFF, match.com , etc., all men receiving hundreds of responses from many younger and not bad looking women...

Geezzzz....

Although I won't do it, I really flash in my mind
to suicide and restart my life again (when there's recarnation). At that time I'll be smarter to start aggressively finding a husbant from the age of 18...LOL

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by StarryStarryOne (401 days ago)

Well, although I do believe in reincarnation, I cannot guarantee you there is reincarnation! And what if there wasn't? Then you wouldn't even get the chance to try it all over again!!!
Besides, even though we do have past-life memories but hey, you could not really choose what to remember - what if you still would not be smart in your next life?
You'd just make the same mistake all over again!
Haha !

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by LMOPQ (401 days ago)

Don't be upset. I know a girl who is aged around 38 and had a very good Frenchie bf. Good luck!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by montana1 (401 days ago)

HK Lady, also remember it's much worse being in an unhappy relationship than being single. I cannot believe your sister and mother pressuring you into a relationship with a guy you don't love and probably hardly now. A friend of mine was in the same situation as you couple years back. She desperately wanted to have children but was single and approaching 40 (not to say that you cannot have children after 40). She was finally wise enough not to wait for Mr. Right and went for an adoption instead. She got a beautiful baby girl within 18 mths of her application. Now 4 years later she met the man of her life. So don't force it. Imagine you go back to the US, marry this guy, are dependant on him financially etc etc. Nightmare... I don't know whether you can afford it but being a single mum with an adopted baby sounds like the better alternative to me. Hope that helps.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (401 days ago)

You didnt just get to 38 overnight my friend...its taken you years! Why all of a sudden this issue with "its too late for babies" I mean, the ripe age for kids is 33, I hate to be a ballache here but you are well past that. If your only issue is "I want a baby" then go get sperminated! Or adopt! What 38 year old in their right mind still sits there taking advice from her mom and sister, and not just any advice, BAD advice from them! I mean, marry a guy you barely know, a poor 40 year old fart at that, uproot yourself from the place you know best and bugger off to be jobless, loveless and (not knowing if your plumbing is in good working order or if even his plumbing is all in tip top shape) you could end up childless too!

Is anyone else thinking WT*?

Being single doesnt have to be hell! If you only focus on the "I am so lonely" blah blah blah.....yeah, its no small wonder that you are depresed! I mean, come on! I know plenty of single 40+ year old women who have come to terms with the fact they missed the boat and they lead pretty full lives filled with good friends, family and travel. Get on with it instead of wasting time listening to your daft women folk in your family telling you that you are swift reaching your sell-by date!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Woz's Pup (401 days ago)

If it helps, my mum had my brother when she was 42. He had a 50% chance of having Downs Syndrome, though.

Film stars are adopting kids from disadvantaged countries all the time. If you adopted a child instead of worrying about getting married to some guy who couldn't give you the life you've become accustomed to, then you could give a kid or a few kids a chance at a better life.

Being in a loveless relationship isn't fair on either party.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zelda (401 days ago)

I second what Justin said.
Imagine if you find yourself married to someone you don't love, in a foreign country, without your support network, jobless and miserable.
A child is not going to make everything right by magic. There is a chance that it might exacerbate your relationship problems and put a strain on your finances.

I have friends who didn't find the right man until well into their 40s. Some adopted, some just enjoyed the company of their partner, and stopped obsessing about babies.

A baby is not a trophy, don't measure your achievements as a woman in terms of the number of children you have.

I am older than you, have no children, and don't feel less of a woman because of my age and childless status.
I have a busy life, engage in activities i enjoy, and accept the fact that if i never had a child is probably because it was not meant to happen. God had other plans for me.

If you really think that being a mother is your calling in life, than go to a fertility clinic in Australia (they accept single women) and get inseminated.

Don't marry a man just to get his child, you are cheating him and yourself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by idingstay2 (401 days ago)

I feel sorry for women who have pressure from their mothers to get married.

Thankfully my mother totally understands why I have remained single and she is proud of other things I do/have done.

I do believe it is never too late to find a man you love but babies just may be out of the picture.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by 4th Name (392 days ago)

The dating service sounds like a complete scam...I wouldn't do it if I were you.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by csun009 (392 days ago)

I have a gf who was in similar circumstances to HKLady's. She was pressured to get married with a man she didn't have much feeling for. Had his baby and this gf is very unhappy with her current life. Babies don't fix your problems. In fact, they can create more problems if you are not too sure what you really want from life.

Be happy with whom you are. If you happen to meet a man with mutual love, great. If not, still enjoy life to the best you can. We all only live once, right?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by samanthajones (392 days ago)

at least you have a choice, even not an ideal one.
the money is an issue though.

i ain't that young either and the guy i'm dating just told me he can't let go of his ex yet but he does like me.

sigh...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (part again) (392 days ago)

sigh too for you both... but please try to look at the positives of life... it's really actually quite nice if you let it be...

And I know easier said than done but the weekend is coming and thus time for smiles...

Please do try forget your worries and enjoy if only for the meantime.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by sam_123 (392 days ago)

You are looking at all the wrong places, HK lady, for potential husband material. Do you honestly think the majority of men who signed up at matching agencies are looking for past 30s mates? And please don't say you go to bars to look either, cos there ain't men interested in marriages, just sex, in these places.

Don't have a baby just for the sake of it. Being a single parent is no joke, not to mention the problems you will face when your child asks who his/her dad is. Children needs a male model in their lives. I am assuming you are Asian, making it all the more harder cos I don;'t think your parents would agree with adoption or you being a single mother.

I suggest you don;t give up hope yet. How can you attract men with your depressed mood? men will run faster than you can catch them when they know you sulk and gloom all the time. Be positive, be smiley, you have to project a postive aura (even if physically) in order to attract men. Sorry to say this but men look at physical appearance/beauty above all else.

I suggest you join a hobby group or class (dance classes; book-reading clubs etc) or go to church or temple (whatever religion you believe in) where there is higher chance of meeting older / mature men ready for marriage. I am a churchgoer and can attest to witnessing marriages that result from people attending the same bible studies. If you are atheist and if you are desperate enough, bring yourself to church. Visit a few churches in different suburbs, size up their single male population, and sign up for their bible classes.

Meanwhile, how about a re-vamping of yourself? It would be fun, and it would take your focus off marriage and baby-making. High on the agenda is to get a good haircut from one of the top hairdressers in Central (please do believe me when I say hair is an important asset of ANY woman), get an expensive spa treatment complete with facial (you need nice rosy skin and remember to get them to pluck your eyebrows, makes a world of difference), enrol in a class to do makeup (top beauty counters often give free makeup sessions), bring along a friend to shop for some flattering clothes (I personally like Espirit Outlet on hankov rd, where you don't need to break the bank for nice young-looking clothes and accessories), glam yourself up, girl!

38 is hardly old. I am 36, married recently and only last year gave birth to a baby. My ex-boss gave birth when she was 50, so yes, women can still give birth in our "old age"....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Tangerine too (390 days ago)

You know, if this man is kind, considerate and values you, you could do far worse with some a**hole that you do love!
Love often grows from a good friendship, have you met the man?

If that's entirely out of the question, look for joy in other areas of your life, hardly anyone gets exactly what they want. Youre thinking of yourself as old before you even are!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hotwheels (390 days ago)

Been reading this post and just want to say that although you want a baby, have you asked yourself why?

A lot of responsibilty comes with children and maybe I feel this way because from my own problems but make sure you are with the right man (I mean one you at least love) before you decide to have a child together.

I have a lot of single girlfriends who feel that their biological clocks are ticking but it is a big decision and NOT a good reason for marriage.

The grass always looks greener on the other side, but this is just an illusion. Be happy with life and all the things you have at the moment, and you will see that your life isn't as bad as you may think.

Think positive, listen to your head and don't give in to family pressures if you don't agree with them.

Smile and keep your chin up!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by marigold (389 days ago)

It sounds like you really want a child so why don't you freeze your eggs and buy yourself some more time. You can then give yourself some freedom to choose your future spouse (if you decide later that you want to do it on your own, you can pick a sperm donor). You can do it at a number of places in the US like Stanford University. There is a company called Extend Fertility that specializes in this and most of their clientele are women in their late 30s who want to have the option of having healthy children later in life. It is quite possible to have healthy children much later in life but you have to freeze your eggs as soon as possible.

It costs about 8000 USD (including all hormone shots + airfare and hotel) and you will need about 10 day off of work. These fertility centers give discounts for
multiple retrievals if they are done back to back.

I think that this the best option for you. At least, it will ease the time pressure that you are experiencing. I wouldn't marry that guy. You can invest in yourself and find yourself a better match in the years to come. I know many women who have done so.

Best of luck.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (389 days ago)

Gosh, ONLY $8000 USD??? That's a bargin!
I don't think.

HK Lady, people find love at all ages. Don't put a time limit on yourself. If you have to wait a few more years, who cares? Being happy is the main thing. There is no point in doing anything that doesn't make you happy. And if time runs out for you biologically, you can always give a home to a disadvantaged child who needs a loving home.

(I am based in Hong Kong)