Insecurity and MisFIt

Posted by Anya_L (457 days ago)

hi...am seeing an expat guy. he is everything that i'm looking for in a MAN. not becoz he is an expat. but becoz his personality.

He is a succesfull Man in his career.

The thing is. i want him to be proud of me. and not feel that i am taking advantage of him.

(Ya'all know, the expats perceptions sometimes about asian woman. and how some asian woman....ya all know that.)

but i am not success in my career, and we had a rough start (unfortunately).

I felt insecure sometimes, and felt sooo Misfit with his expat friends.

When it comes to this thing... myself confidence just gone...

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by naima (456 days ago)

How come you feel that you are taking advantage in the first place?

Why don't you sit down and think why he's going out with you. Maybe because of your cheerful personality? You're not a nagger? Or better yet, ask him and remember the things he said when you have this "insecure" moments.

And cmon, you already meet his friends. If he's ashamed of you, he will not let you meet them.

Just chill, be yourself and stop worrying when there's nothing to worry about.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Tidings 2 (456 days ago)

Maybe he is not interested in dating a tycoon like himself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (456 days ago)

Not everyone wants to date a successful high flying career woman. That comes with it's own
drawbacks!!

But at the same time both men and women these days perceive women with careers to be more sexy!!

That is where your insecurity stems from, my dear. But your bf could be different... and love him for being different... unique.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Peechu (456 days ago)

Darling, just be yourself...because if he already introduced you to his friends, it only shows he likes/love you for who you are (flaws and imperfections included) and he already IS proud of you. Don't try to be a person you're really not because you risk giving an impression of a "hard sell" Maybe it's your simplicity and humble nature that attracted him to you.
If you want to learn more and for your own personal development, take up a hobby, enroll in a class, have a life as an independent woman and yet be attentive of your relationship and of your Man. It's all in making a balance. But do this not only to impress your guy but more for your own self-improvement. It may even have a positive result in your career.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (455 days ago)

anya, first of all, improve your english. don't ignore it, it's an important point, expats tend to look down on people who cannot speak properly.
if you want to be accepted by his peers, you need to understand their culture and behave like them....that's quite difficult if you haven't lived abroad.
my advice: be yourself, don't try to impress him or go all your way to make him feel like a king but treat him nice and show all the facades of your culture. show your ability to adapt and check also his ability to adapt to your culture. remember it's a 2 ways thing, not a "sense unique", like the french would say.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Simplewife (455 days ago)

The important is you love each other and that you are nice person it doesn't matter whether you are succesful or not.he loves you because of who you are and don't change that..
I always beg my hubby to have a nose lift but he doesn't like.

(I am based in Macau)

Posted by easygoing (454 days ago)

I think you are too conscious about yourself being asian, he is expat, he is successful (and probably his social group) ... in short, besides you are not successful in your career, you are either too young or not exposed enough with foreign culture to feel inferior and hence insecure.

Break these down into a few different aspects : you are attracted to successful MAN and you aspire to be successful. You are not familiar with foreign culture and you want to be accepted. You like this guy and you are afraid of losing him; all showed you are lack of self confidence.

I dont know about this guy - but if you want a lasting good relationship, successful is not the major factor. I hope he has other good qualities as a boyfriend.

Same important is if you really understand what is his expectation on this relationship. There are guys who are not bothered for a LT relationship. There are guys who dont care if you are successful or get along with his friends. Does he enjoy you being who you are now ?

For removing inferior or insecure feelings : turn yourself into a charming person, like the others said, by enriching your knowledge. Study, work, reach out, learn about various culture. It's not something overnight. And negative comparisons with others will not take you there.

I am sure if you have the determination you will be able to make it - it is more important you are proud of yourself, by then you wont care if your partner is proud of you or not.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by balzac (454 days ago)

I know this might sound cliched-but be yourself. Your confidence cannot come out of something that is not real or doesn't exist.

You dont have to speak with a fake foreign accent. While someone has suggested that you improve your English, do it for yourself first, and only if you want to.

If he liked you in spite of your lack of successful career and the way you speak I dont see why you have to make youself into someone else. Do you want to turn him off?

If he liked a successful careerwoman with posh accent and high flying lifestyle he would have gone for her by now.

Another thing you need to drop-stop looking at him like an 'expat'. He is a regular human being and the way you are to him, and he is to you, should be no different than any other guy you've dated in the past.

I agree with the suggestion of being involved in enriching youself, have a life, your own circle of friends, take up interesting hobbies to fill your time, love nature, art, movies, whatever it is that tickle your fancy. Dont make your relationship/your man your way of life and religion. He'd find it rather 1 dimensional and boring in the end.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by LMOPQ (454 days ago)

Balzac, you are quite right. Very good.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by rice_pay (453 days ago)

Balzac is right.

I guess at the end of the day you don't want to try to hard to pretend to be someone you're not. If he's got problems with some aspects of you, he has to deal with it or accept it if he loves you. I guess same for you..

Hope this doesn't sound racist but why does it have to be that the pairing of an Asian man/woman with Expat woman/man seems to be unequal? (Esp. the latter).

At the end of the day, if he thinks he's superior to you & embarrased when you're around his circles, then I think he's got to be the one to really sort himself out first.

And if both of you are serious about each other, who cares what others think!

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Woz's Pup (453 days ago)

I gotta say, I do understand where Anya is coming from, cos I have the same situation, only backwards. I don't have any western friends in Hong Kong, everyone's Chinese and I often feel a bit daunted when everyone's going ten to the dozen in Chinese and I'm lost in the conversation. It's even worse when people make fun of my Cantonese! It's not an easy language, people, gimme a break!

My advice to Anya is you need to learn to balance yourself. I think western culture is very easy to get to grips with as it's so free of rules and so laid back. You definately shouldn't change yourself for him. He's only a guy after all. If you want to change, do it for yourself and your own self confidence. I learnt Cantonese for myself, so I don't have to keep saying, 'What did she say, what did he say, what are they talking about?' and to impress his mother, I have to be honest.

Ultimately, be who you want to be. If you want to be super sucessful and educated, then be that. Just don't be that for him.

The others are right too, I wouldn't call him an expat. If my bf called me an expat, I'd not appreciate it very much! We're just two people in love. One happens to be English, and one happens to be Chinese.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (450 days ago)

Ah, so Woz'z getting the expat quick fix on the communication front...from US? Man, you need to make some gwailo/gwaipoh friends before you get totally balmy hehe.

> Anya - much as I tend to think hoyo sometimes is a bit too blunt, hey girl, if your confidence about being socially adept is a bit on the low side, work on getting plugged into some sort of ESL class to brush up! Make some buddies through the net with whom you can meet up and maybe do the old language exchange thang. Money isnt everything. I mean, your bf digs you for who you are, not for who you think you need to be, if he wanted other he would have shopped elsewhere. Hold your head up high and then no one will look down on you...people can smell lack of confidence from a mile away! So dont let them.

Oh and really good advice would be: listen more...talk less. Never say "I dont know" just dont butt in where you dont know stuff and pay attention...you may not have much to say now, but one day you will, when you are more confident. They will just think you are shy. :o)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by csun009 (450 days ago)

From my experience, if one has to try toooo hard to please the other party, this relationship won't last for too long!

I once dated a super high-flyer:). I had to dress up to go for work functions with him 3-4 times a week. When I was new in HK, this kind of lifestyle was kinda fun due to the novelty factor. We don't use evening-dress too frequently back in NZ.

But 3 months down the track, I knew this lifestyle wouldn't work for me. We had an open conversation and he agreed that we two wanted different things!

Advice to Anya: enjoy your gf for as long as you can. When you don't feel comfortable any more, move on.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by goldenleaves (450 days ago)

Good point csun... Anya may settle down and stop being so self-conscious. She clearly feels uncomfortable, despite his assurances. Learning a bit of English would help her to feel more in the swing.

It's a strain on everyone in a social situation if there's someone there who needs constant explanation, or who can't communicate very well, but most of us try with the Non-English speaking partners of friends.

In the end though, living with someone who you feel it's an effort to please can be like a kind of death... death of spontaneity or feeling of being yourself.

I'd say, keep trying Anya. Your guy has chosen you for who you are. Have some confidence, but you need to feel comfortable in the relationship too. It may happen over time, or it just may not happen... oh... and his friends will do their best to help you because they are his friends.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Anya_L (450 days ago)

Hi all, Thanks very much. realyy appreciate it.

Easygoing : you are right. his social group full with succesful people. and yes i'm much younger than him.

and yes !! some of you said i should take some classes stuff. Yupe, already did. pick up some languange courses, guitar, baking, sports.

One of you said. I have my own friends circle... and yes.. i have.. believe it or not.. he chooses which one i should be friend with. ( and we sometimes had a fight over this >>>>> i made it sounds bad. well most of my friends are men.. less ladies..

and i totally agreee with some of you saying i shouldnt change myself for him. but rather for myself. ( but you knw sometimes i made some changes for him coz i thought if we're in relationship we have to compromised)

naima : Nagger.. i used to.. thats becoz i felt this insecurity. I am not a nagger.. but i dont knw why. when i started seeing him.. i changed completely to possessive,annoying, immature, jealous kind of person. (men would said i'm a psycho.) it just brings up all the worst thing in me. and i never new i could be this kind of woman.

he travels, he thought i probably went out with other man if he is not around .( which is why, nowadays he doesnt tell me if he is away or not)and if on weekends i want to see him, he then will tell me he is in other country.. ( make me feel wary sometimes if he is seeing other woman or really on biz trip).

wat do u all thinK?. am i think to much? its really confusing me...

naima : stop worrying when there's nothing to worry about........am trying here.....really hard.. it just pop up in my head sometimes.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by csun009 (450 days ago)

It doesn't sound right to me; in particular, if you feel that he has actually brought out the worst of you. A suitable partner should bring out the best of you.

Let's wait and see how other ladies feel about this.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by goldenleaves (450 days ago)

Feeling insecure about someone can make you behave irrationally: i.e. becoming jealous and immature. I do understand that. Anya, you are under a good deal of strain in this relationship... It seems like a "Pygmalion" type story... Hope you don't feel you are being re-made to suit his life, to become the 'perfect' woman for him... This guy does sound somewhat controlling.

He may have chosen a younger, less secure person so that he could mould you to his liking.. to have this level of control.

It really comes down to the question of do you want to go through this process of change? It could broaden and develop you to a large extent, but it could also turn you into something of an extension of him.

How exactly does he make you feel? Do you feel cared for, loved, encouraged and appreciated? Or do you feel judged, restricted and controlled?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by balzac (450 days ago)

well- I am rather surprised at your revelation. This sounds like a totally different story now.

You said you are with him because of his personality. But from your recent post, one can detect a lot of frustration and perhaps unacknowledged resentment over how he's been treating you.

Sorry-but I think it's really unthinkable that your boyfriend (expat, high flier or not) can go to another country and not have the courtesy to let you know beforehand.

I've dated a so called high flier, dominant alpha male sort of guy in the past, drives a fast luxury car, lives in a fancy apartment, travels often and has other high flying friends.

The whole experience sucked because I found him to be very controlling and domineering. In the beginning it might seem like a novelty..but after a while..

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Anya_L (449 days ago)

balzac -- yes i'm with him becoz of his personality...I know he has it. i've seen it.

---->>Sorry-but I think it's really unthinkable that your boyfriend (expat, high flier or not) can go to another country and not have the courtesy to let you know beforehand.___> yeah, i've thought about it too.

goldenleaves ; How exactly does he make you feel? Do you feel cared for, loved, encouraged and appreciated? Or do you feel judged, restricted and controlled? --sometimes i felt both being loved and controlled, cared for and restricted, encouraged and judged.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by idingstay 2 (449 days ago)

You know, whether or not he loves you, it is just plain discourteous not to tell you he is going out of town for gods sake ! I would just hate that. I'm sorry for you but I do understand why it's hard to leave too.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by naima (449 days ago)

Yeah, its not good that he doesnt tell you when he's out of town, and its certainly not good you feel that you are being controlled and judged.

Please dont tell us that he lets you stop seeing your male friends...especially those you know long before you two became a couple.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Anya_L (447 days ago)

Or maybe.. I'm just too sensitive...?? I dont knw...

my friends( the Boys) they understand if i dont meet up with them as often as we used to.. they told me that they understand why he did tht. is a man thing.

thanks all...really appreciate it..

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (446 days ago)

Hate to burst yer bubble here but BIG f-in alarm bells ought to be ringing in your head right now!

This guy sounds like the insecure, controlling, manipulative type and if you think you are a "psycho" for the first time, look deep within you, its not you, its him that has brought out the worst in you. If you still feel the need to stay with this "high flier" do so at your own expense.

Sorry folks, hate to be a kill joy...but you know you are all thinkin it!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (446 days ago)

Any man that makes you feel restricted and judged is just not good! If my boyfriend stopped me seeing my male friends, there'd be no end of trouble! Trust is the foundation to a strong relationship! Without trust, what have you got?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (446 days ago)

And lets face it, total Paul Simon in the back of your head, goin' "hello darkness my old friend...." I mean...the writing is on the wall, this guy doesnt trust you worth diddly, so much so that he is not truthful about his own whereabouts so as to ensure you remain housebound so as to placate his completely irrational insecurities.

Definate: RRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg

*alarm bell*

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by balzac (446 days ago)

Are you holding on to this 'relationship' just because you think he's the 'best' thing that ever happened to you? (i.e expat- high flier)

Well don't because you deserve more than just that. You need somone who respects you as a person, as a girlfriend and treats you well. Don't be blinded by superficial aspects.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Anya_L (446 days ago)

Well I'll try to be more CONFIDENCE, after all i loved him.

maybe if i dont show my sense of insecurity to him.he wont felt insecure as well. ( I Just read a phrase saying : Life is like a mirror, it never gives back more than it gets)

I just realized that when it comes to insecurity.. we're all need some assurance. i need it and he needs it too.

well i'll be the best that i can be.not only for him but for myself....thank you so much all!!!

Thank you for the advised, the pros and cons.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Anya_L (446 days ago)

and balzac... am holding to him becoz he is a high flier.. or expat.

if i only hold into material or status as an expat or high flier Gf... there are plenty of men who are more willing to offer me those material and status....( he knows that)

i saw a good a quality of man in him...

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Aijin (part whatever) (446 days ago)

It appears to me that more confidence is probably the last thing he wants from you… after all he is with a ‘much younger’ woman who feels ‘controlled, restricted, judged, insecure’ for probably just that reason. He wants the power over you… he does not want you to be his equal or appreciate your independence let alone respect you.

I do not think his behavior is that of a ‘quality man’.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by naima (446 days ago)

It does makes sense.

I used to have that kind of guy when I was new in town...at first I thought it was pretty fine, dining out and all. But then, he started placing some restrictions and discouraged me to make a life outside of his world. He even dictates what kind of clothes i should wear and how to fix my hair (turtlenecks in mid july-i dont think so!). So i told him that the reason why i came to this place is to build up a career and not to look for prince charming and feed his ego everyday.

Anyways, if you feel that he really cares about you, then stick with him. After all, there's no such thing as a perfect guy, if you manage to bear his flaws (wow!) then, there's nothing can stop you from being with him.

I wish you goodluck at trillions of patience though :)

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Anya_L (446 days ago)

what is a quality of man for you aijin...?

we're women tend to say our cinderellie, prince charming stereotype kind of quality man. ( pardon my english) But the fact is ,it always comes with flaws..thats y we have to see the overall.

Maybe if i give him more assurance that i wont leave him, that i cared for him only ,he'll be much calmer, not very controlling and would ease his insecurity.and mine would *puff*** in the air,2.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Aijin (part whatever) (446 days ago)

A quality man would be the opposite of all you have mentioned about this man and how he makes you feel… He would never make you feel ‘controlled, restricted, judged, insecure’ etc. He would not ‘choose your friends’. He would tell you when he was out of the country not keep you waiting for him just in case. He would not bring out the ‘possessive, annoying, immature, jealous ‘ worse in you. He would make you feel proud and ‘not feel that I am taking advantage of him.’

He would respect you, appreciate you, adore you and make you feel alive, confident, beutiful and proud of just being you. He would want to know and like your friends. He would bring out the best in you. He would never make you feel insecure or a misfit and do everything possible to make you feel comfortable in his surroundings and relish yours. He would be both a teacher and a student.

If you give him more assurances that you will not leave him that you care for him only he will I think just demand more from you. As naima noted he will start to control you in other aspects… the way you dress etc.

IMHO this man is not a prince charming just a control freak and on a serious power trip and a bully. He thinks he is superior to you and using his stature/status to undermine you.

You appear to be a nice girl and wanting to learn and better yourself. That is a good thing. But you also appear very naive. Not all relationships are equal on all levels but all relationships should be equal on some. You do not feel as though you are his equal at all and I think he relishes this. And uses it.

Apologies I may be wrong but there seems to be more negatives than positives in this relationship. And that is not a good thing. I am sure there are many men out there who would make you feel good about yourself. And everyone should feel good about themselves.

Best of luck anyhows.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (446 days ago)

"Maybe if i give him more assurance that i wont leave him, that i cared for him only ,he'll be much calmer, not very controlling and would ease his insecurity.and mine would *puff*** in the air,2."

Oooohhh...thats the scary thing...controlling types usually end up with partners that say that. "If I just do better, if I AM better, if I do more" ouch...total Alice falling down the rabbit hole thing...As we all said at the beginning "Be yourself" if you arent going to make him happy as YOU, then you certainly dont love YOU either.

(I am based in Hong Kong)